"I don't know all these people survive their commutes, their debts, their time away from their families...hell, life."
"I asked my therapist that same question, and he said, Chemicals. They're jacked up on caffeine in the morning, alcohol at night, and Prozac during the day. It's just considered normal."

"Up yours you pigs. You think you can boss a guy around 'cause you got guns?"
"Yes."
"Yeah, well, fuck you."

"You talk to Nicki?"
"You mean the girl with the condition?"
"Yeah, she told me she's getting her husband's disease."
"She just needs to start drinking caffeine free."

"At the Bachelor party, he gave all of us spa gift certificates for a boy-zillian wax.
"What's that?"
"It's a meterosexual man's answer to women's brazillian wax."
"You're kidding, they're just going to leave a strip of hair on you?"
"I guess it's more of a balls and ass wax."
"You know, I bet you can transfer the gift certificate for a facial or something."

"Hey, you have some money? I wanna make another prank call."
"Here, man."
"Listen to this. Hello, Mame. What are you wearing? Is that all I got? Uh, no... I gotta big ass dick!"

"Hey, I remember you. Remember me?"
"Sorry, no."
"I was doing construction work a couple months ago on Jackson and Webster, and I said hello to you. You said hello back."
"Well,I live in that area."
"Come on, how could you forget a one-armed construction worker?"

"When I was younger, I wanted to save the world. Well, I opened up the newspaper today and realized I hadn't done a very good job. I may not be able to save the world, but I can touch a few people's lives. Want another bottle of wine?"

"You look like an angel with the sun behind you like that."
"Wow, that shampoo really does work."

"I'm visiting some girlfriends in LA this weekend. Well, they're really not from LA proper, they're from Burbank."
"Oh, Burbank. So essentially they live at the airport..."
"Anyhow, they said they never have to buy themselves drinks. Do you know it costs nine bucks for a drink in Burbank?"
"I did not."
"Apparently, the best place to get free drinks is at this famous Karyoke bar called Dimples. All the singers like Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez have their autographed photos on the wall."
"Rachel, ask yourself, is a free drink really worth enduring that kind of pain?"

"Bob and I are celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary on the Big Island."
"Congratulations."
"How about you? Are you traveling alone?"
"I'm meeting my Mom in Hawaii."
"Oh, your Mom lives in Hawaii?"
"She lives in the East, I live in the West; we're just meeting up in Hawaii."
"That sounds very nice for you both. How romantic."

"I'm going to one-up Phil Collins, who knew what he was saying when he said take love slow. I'm gonna get pseu pseu pseudio on your ass. I'm on your tip like a black bean dip."

"Anything on the menu look good to you?"
"I think I'm going to get the macademia-encrusted Mahi Mahi."
"You got that last night."
"Yeah, but I like the nuts in Hawaii. They're more tender."

"Oh my God. Did you just see the back of that bus?"
"Yes... Hooters."
"San Francisco used to have more class."

"Sometimes babies just smell. I would wash Jennifer and a couple minutes later--boom--she'd be smelly again."
"I actually had that problem with Billy. At first I thought that I wasn't properly changing him, but my doctor said that sometimes babies produce a strange odor and it's nothing to be alarmed about. You're a good Mom, Sheryl. I wouldn't worry about it."

"Check this out. I've got this fungus or something under my nail, and it just keeps growing."
"Way to go, Mark. Just as a hot girl walks by. Your timing sucks."

"If Guerrilla Sports is Home Sweet Home for the Hardcore, where does that leave the softcore? Are we supposed to go to 24 Hour Nautilus?"

"Hey, where do you think they're from?"
"The Midwest."
"No way. Orange County. That guy's wearing flip-flops. People get gay-bashed in the Midwest for wearing those kind of things."
"Yeah, Orange County might be right. That chick's got a nose ring."
"What's their license plate say?"
"California--hey, with a San Francisco dealer."

"I don't get it. It's just a bridge."
"What? Are you that callous? That's probably the most beautiful bridge in the world."
"Sure, it's beautiful, but I don't see how it's all that different than other bridges. Except that it's red."
"Have you seen other bridges? I mean, look at that. It towers over the Pacific and connects two mountains."
"Hills."
"What?"
"It connects two hills."
"You need some major help. Or, a hug."

"I don't think she likes anything I get her."
"Ah, I bet that's not true. What did you get her for Valentines' Day?"
"I got her one of those chili peppers weaved into a heart shape. She didn't look that excited, and I said, 'I thought you liked that when we were at the Farmer's Market?' And she said, 'I thought your mom would like that.'"
"Ha! You need to earn some points."

"That's funny. You hear of people going through a vampire stage, but never a werewolf stage."
"Or a Frankenstein stage."
"I would think either of those would be more exciting than anything having to do with vampires."
"It's probably easier to wear fake fangs than glue fake hair to your face. And those Frankenstein shoes would be hell to break in."

"Two dollars, please."
"For an apple?"
"It's organic."
"Yeah, but it's just an apple. Not gold."

"Is Dan now reporting to our group? Excuse me, I mean, D."
"Yes, D is in our group."
"Can I be J?"
"Yes, you can be J."
"Good. I've been needing a hip makeover."

"All them politicains are going up to the space station. When that thing is built, they're all going up into space to let us die. They're going to drop the bomb on us, man. I know what's up."

"Sir, do you know where Fisherman's Wharf is?"
"Sure, it's about a mile down that way."
"My goodness, a whole mile?"
"It's not so bad. It's a nice walk."
"Are there benches along the way?"
"I think so."
"I don't know how anyone could make it."

"Excuse me, what's a torta?"
"Sandwich."
"But with Mexican stuff?"
"Yeah. No tortilla. Roll."
"So, like, a turkey sandwich?"
"No. Burrito with no tortilla. Roll."
"So, like, a burrito but everything's on a roll?"
"Yeah."
"Weird. I'll try that. Do you have pastrami?"
"No. Carnitas, carne asada..."
"Oh, I'll have carne asada. That sounds weird."

"Did you get her anything?"
"What for?"
"It's Valentines Day."
"Oh, shit. You just saved my life. Where can I get chocolate around here?"

"That's a hell of a lot of toilet paper."
"I got all of that at Costco for eight bucks."
"You must be planning on a lot of ass-wiping."
"You can never have enough TP around, especially with kids."

"Okay, put Peter on. Hi, Peter! How are you doing? You saw a parade today? The red and the blue? We're going to go to Ella's birthday party tomorrow. Yeah, she has a jungle gym where you can run and jump and climb. That sounds like fun, huh? You drew today? What did you draw today? Orange what? Orange turtle. And what else? Oh, a green pencil. I see, orange pencil and green pencil. Can you give the phone to mommy, please. Hey, Peter, do me a favor and give the phone to mommy. Thank you, honey. Hi, did he take a nap today? Yeah, he doesn't like the new blankets."

"What are you doing?"
"What?"
"To your mouse."
"Nothing. Touching it."
"You're, like, stroking it."
"No kidding. Mouse-terbation. That must've been what I was doing. You caught me."

"Hello? Hi, Peter! How are you doing buddy? Did you go to school today? Oh, you drew stick figures. That sounds like fun. Was that fun? Yeah, I want to see them when I get home tonight. Will you save some the stick figure drawings for me? Good, good. What? Yes, I had lunch today. I had soup. You had lunch today, too? Yeah, hotdogs. Did you like that? Wow, and apple juice. Is mommy there? Wow, you went in the backyard today. Did you kick the soccer ball? Yeah, was it nice outside? It sounds like you're having a good day. Is mommy around? Okay, thank you. Remember, save those stick figure drawings."

"How long has the stain been there?"
"I don't know. I saw it this morning."
"This morning! And you didn't tell me?"
"I thought you knew about it."
"You think I'd be wearing this if I knew it was stained?"
"You've worn things with stains before."
"Not knowingly."
"You sure?"
"What? Of course I'm sure."

"People are such slime."
"Try not to focus on it."
"I try, but then someone else goes and does the exact same thing."

"No, I'm not going to buy anything."
"Oh, come on."
"No, I just got out of debt. I feel like I can breathe again."

"I love this city. It's like Europe, but it's not."
"Yeah, it's the US."

"I heard your computer died."
"I lost everything. Everything."
"That's the worst. My computer at home died a couple of months ago, and I felt like my dog passed away. You get so close to these things."

"Are kids welcome at the Mardi Gras party?"
"Sure, but you might have to have a good long talk with them beforehand."

"It's not like I need to go to graduate school for what I want to do. I just think it'd be cool to live in New York."

"That sucks the big monkeys."
"Yeah it does."

"You know how you should, like, be grateful for every day you're alive and all that shit?"
"Yeah."
"I'm just not today. I kind of wish I was dead so I didn't have to go to work today."
"I totally know what you mean."

"Look at those guys in the wheelchairs. They're hauling ass."
"They've got some kind of turbo boost. Awesome."
"I bet those things aren't street legal."
"Awesome. No cop would pull over a cripple. We should get in on that."

"I wish we knew his email. I'd like to put fuck you in the subject and send it to him."
"That reminds of an idea I had."
"What?"
"It'd be kind of like a social activism thing."
"Well what is it?"
"I thought it'd be cool to get an email account, like sackofshit@yahoo.com, and just email corrupt businesses with it. They'd get a subject heading that says You are a sack of shit with an email address that says sackofshit@yahoo.com. Or it could be sackofshit@gmail, you know, whatever."
"Would there be anything in the email?"
"No, the subject says it all. What else is there to say? You are a sack of shit."
"What about the sig file?"
"What about it? You think I'm going to put my address in phone number on the email, you idiot?"
"No, but you could put something like Sack of Shit Way, Apt. A."
"You're taking it too far."

"I'm so sick of it. Everything beeps these days. Cars beep when you walk by them, ATM machines beep, phones beep. There's got to be another sound out there people can use. I mean, come on."

"Hey, what happened to Lam? He used to get on here all the time."
"He fell, you didn't hear?"
"No, I didn't hear. Is the old guy okay?"
"No, he's dead. He cracked his head open."
"Jesus Christ, you're kidding me?"
"No, he took a thirty-foot fall off of a ladder."
"What the hell?"
"He was trying to take the Christmas lights off his building."
"What the hell was a guy his age doing on a ladder?"
"I don't know. Old guys are stubborn."
"Jesus Christ. Lam, man. What the hell?"

"The way I see it, if you can afford an SUV, then you can afford a ticket. That's my motto."
"You know, I disagree. That's very unfair to the SUV driver. You don't know their income. You should watch your generalizations. They're really offensive."
"I didn't mean to be offensive. I just thought I was being funny."

"Wow, look at all the pigeons."
"Oh, no. That old lady just put a loaf of bread on the ground."
"Wow, now the seagulls are showing up."
"God help us. Every bird in the city's going to crap."

"Would you help me?"
"I'm working the register."
"No one's in line."
"Give it a minute."
"Would you just do something! Prep the milk, anything!"
"Take a chill pill."
"What the...this isn't your kingdom, princess."

"I'm a proud black woman, y'all. Going to have me some steak and jumbo prawns tonight. You heard me, right, hombre? Put those prawns in the oven. Don't look at me like that, Paco. I ain't no crack head. My money's green like everybody else's. And make that steak rare, you hear me? You better quit standing and start cooking. If you don't get me what I want, I'll sue y'all. Red, white, and blue. I love my life."

"Oh, come on. A Violence in the Workplace seminar? You've got to be kidding me. Have you ever seen violence in the workplace?"
"No, never. Not that it wouldn't have been warranted, though."
"What's going on?"
"We just got that email about the seminar. Have you ever seen violence in the workplace?"
"No, but I've felt threatened."
"Really?"
"Yeah, at my old company, there was this loner type who was really into weight-lifting and collecting guns. The reference library was near his desk, and if anyone misplaced a book, he'd lose it. He'd flex his biceps and cuss at anyone, even the boss. He talked about his guns a lot. One time I put a book back in the wrong place, and he left a gun show flyer on my desk."
"Jesus, I guess we should go to the seminar. You never know who they'll hire."

"She's fucked up, he's fucked up, everybody here's fucked up. Old MacDonald had a fucked up farm, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. And on his fucked up farm he had a lot of fucked up, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo..."

"She not into big wait."
"Really? I always thought she was skinny."
"She skinny. What you talk about?"
"I thought you said she had a big waist?"
"No, wait. She not wait big."
"Oh, I see. You mean long. I get it."
"No, big."

"Now that he's got kids, he's stopped buying cappuccinos and getting sixty-dollar haircuts. It all goes to the college fund now."
"What a drag."