"What's your Halloween costume all about?"
"I'm just a guy trying to survive in George Bush's America."

"How was your weekend?"
"Awesome, dude. Awesome. Went to Ruby Sky. The chicks were awesome. Halloween and all."
"Sounds fun."
"How was you weekend?"
"Oh, I've been fighting off a cold."
"Bummer, dude. Bummer."

"Man, the first time she lifted her leg, I said she has got to be house trained. I didn't want to come hone to none of that. First time I saw a pile, I was like, no way, man, no way. Potty training is one hundred percent in effect."

"You know, the Icelandic language is closer to German than Scandinavian languages?"
"I remember reading about that, yes."
"How did you German people get over there?"
"We had pirates."
"Pirates? Germans truly are barbarians. You know, we Indians are the only people that can't be called barbarians."
"Why is that?"
"Because we never invaded anyone. Everyone invaded us."

"Oh, come on. Stupid email. Come on, email. What the? Email, goddamn you."

"There's a lot of dykes out tonight."
"There's a lot of dykes out every night."

"You got even. He shouldn't have blocked you in like that. Nobody should park like that."

"There was this stupid thing on TV the other night about P.Diddy. Something about the day in the life of a rap star or music mogul. I just kept watching it, thinking, I really hate this guy. But at the end they showed how he gets down on his hands and knees to pray to God every night. The guy prays to God to protect his family and guide him toward being a better human being. Then I kind of started to like P.Diddy. I thought, When was the last time I believed in God or tried to be a better human being?"

"I only feel three things: where's mine?, poor me, and fuck you."

"My old man had the strongest hand I've ever seen. When he shook your hand, he practically tore it off. World War II hardened him. He was in the Navy and survived a Kamikaze attack on his ship. But dad got mean after the war. He broke a few peoples' jaws with that hand, and the court ordered him neutered. Once the government took his balls, he was calm as a puppy."

"Listen, bitch! If we didn't have sex, she wouldn't have dumped my ass."

"That's so gay. What kind of a guy sends you a Christmas card with his picture in it?"

"Oh, nasty. Look at that cat."
"What cat?"
"The orange cat. There."
"Dude, that's friggin' nasty."

"And I said, 'Excuse me. Excuse me? I'm the one with attitude? You got the attitude. All you got is attitude. I'll slap you upside the head with your own attitude, Mister Attitude.'"

"We've got to get a new mattress. We've just gotten too big."

"I don't have the ringer on my phone. I'm more of a vibrator."

"North Korea has a bad attitude, that's all."

"I only went out with him because he smelled good and had a cool car."

"Ah, look! The Blue Angles. They're going to crash. Look! Ah, they didn't crash. There they go. Oh, no. They're going to crash again. Look! Oh, hey. They didn't crash. How do they do that? There they go again. Oh, they're totally going to crash again. Look! They didn't crash."

"Roger dropped his BlackBerry in the toilet."

"Are you sure that's a guy dancing?"
"Yeah, that's got to be a guy."
"I don't like how his hands are tan but his face is white."

"Jesus Christ. What's all that noise?"
"People are protesting Bush."
"Again? Let's see. Oh, God. I see free Mumia signs, Mexican flags, something about gender. I thought this was about Bush?"

"I know it says somewhere in the Bible that you can get touched by the finger of God, and then everything will be fine. God gave me the finger two years ago. Everything in my life has been fine since."

"Scoot in. Scoot in. Hey, come on. Scoot in."
"There's no room."
"Come on. Scoot in. Scoot in."
"Sir, there's no more room."
"What's the matter with you people? Scoot in. Come on."
"There's no room!"
"I don't want this train any way. It stinks."

"The new Cisco IP phones came in!"
"Oh, man It's time to par-tay!"

"Lil' Booty be skizzin' all over da hooka niggas, yo."

"Southern smoked cheese cake."
"That sounds disgusting."
"I take it you haven't had cheese cake with bacon?"