"I hate her. She's poo. Broke my bike."

"That taqueria sucks. I ordered extra beans on my burrito, and they laughed."

"I'm so sick of--you don't shoot an email. There's no email gun. You send an email."

"You get your car back?"
"Yeah, it's at the body shop."
"I can't believe the cops found it."
"They said they were a hundred percent sure they'd find it."
"Weird, I thought once a car was stolen it was gone forever."
"Me too. But the people who stole it only drove eight miles and took my Camelback."
"Is that the stereo?"
"No, the backpack I wear when I run--it's filled with water."

"Hey, next week at The Castro Theater they're there's a festival showing Ghostbusters, The Road Warrior, and Hello Dolly!."
"What's the theme?"
"I don't know, gay?"

"Hi, it's the fun bunch."
"Oh that's so gay."
"Thank you."

"It's like Muslims are the new Jews or something."

"Gym for Jesus."

"Why are they all that windows?"
"I don't know. Go see."
"Ah, look at the seagulls! Oh my God!"
"Hey, what are you guys looking at?"
"Something pornographic."

"Hey, look. Retarded kids."

"I was, like, how could you not tell she was pregnant? Couldn't you see, like, that basketball of a stomach? He was, like, no. He was, all, I thought she was just chubby."

"See, didn't he sound nice?"
"Yeah, but he kept dropping the phone. I'm just going to Home Depot after work to see if I can do this construction stuff myself. I mean, if he can't even hold the phone, how could he hold a hammer?"

"What do you think of my hair?"
"It'll take at least four years to grow back."

"What's that?"
"Google Earth."
"Google this, Google that. Why don't they do something useful? Maps, done. Search, done. Needed? Not really. How about they give some of those billions to literacy or hunger or the environment--"
"Did you get a latte?"
"Uh, yeah."
"You get so bent out of shape with those. Look, it's cool. You can zoom into where you live."

"I pity the person who happens to be standing under the pigeon that ate the guacamole."

"Isn't that cute?"
"What is it?"
"It's a handbag."
"You couldn't fit an egg in that thing."
"All you need is to fit your keys and a twenty dollar bill."
"For three-hundred dollars?"
"But I have a handbag problem. None of mine look this cute."

"Excuse me, sir. Can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah."
"Thanks for listening. Okay, this is my situation. Okay, it's hard to talk about. I have HIV, and my roommate beat me up. He kicked me out. See my forehead. He burned his cigarette butt out right on my forehead. I don't know what I'm going to do."
"Sorry, I don't have any money."
"Nobody does, these days."

"I've been to San Jose maybe twice in the past five years to see my bother, and I don't care how close it is to San Francisco. I just never want to go to that town."

"The bus driver then told me that wasn't the stop. I said I've been stopping there for ten years--it's a stop. She said it's her bus, she knows the stops. She told me my stop was a block up. I told her my stop was a block behind us. Then she swerved into a parked car and knocked its rearview mirror off."

"Hello? Yeah. No, he's as wild as ever. He's really pumped about the baked beans."

"She had her baby three weeks early. I'm sitting at the restaurant, thinking she's never late, What's going on?"
"She didn't call you from the hospital?"
"No."
"How rude."

"I love Disneyland. It might be where I've had the best corndog of my life."

"That's a wicked nice ass."

"Music is kind of off in Italy."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, they listen to Tina Turner and Rod Stewart and Credence Clearwater Revival like it's the newest thing. It's like they don't know it's no longer new in America. Plus, they're listening to American music. Old people listen to Italian music, but the young people listen to American. Except the Italian rap."
"Italian rap?"
"Yeah, and it's in English, which is even weirder. And the English doesn't translate very well. There was this one song where a guy kept saying he's going to slap the behind with something having to do with twine. It was like his English is limited and he's just trying to throw any words together that rhyme, and act like he's tough, too."
"How is that any different than American rap?"

"Hey, that's a nice looking salad."
"You can look all you want, but no touching. Security is on."
"Oh, yeah. What's that?"
"I don't know. Salmonella."

"Crab is thousand dollar fine."
"No, man, only if they're red. You see any red ones in there?"
"Yes."
"Then learn to be more blind, man. Thousand dollars be taken right out of your ass, if I was Fish & Game. You're lucky they don't hire brothers."

"Hey, man. Get away from my poles."
"Hey, I gots--"
"I don't care what you gots, get away from my fishing poles. Take a walk else wheres. Go enjoy yourself. You'll get hurt over here."
"Ah, shit, man..."

"No, man. Fish and Game will nail you if you don't have a license. It's because fresh water comes into the Bay and fucks everything up. I'll tell you, it's bullshit, man. I've seen the damn birds grab more fish out of here than us."

"Shoot. I should've brought my fanny-pack."

"What's wrong with Taylor's?"
"Gnats in the cheese."

"The schools are so, so bad."
"I know."
"They needs so, so much money. I hear they don't even have toilet paper."
"I know."
"They need to stop worrying about one plus one equals two. That will take care of itself. Kids need to go to a place where they feel respected. Comfortable. Loved. I bet more hugs would make up for all of the problems."

"Hey, here's a reading we should go to: Jewish Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender book discussion, discussing Between Sodom and Eden by Lee Walzer, followed by a screening of Out of the Closet and Into The Streets of Tel Aviv."
"I don't think so."
"How about the reading about the history of circumcision from the Bible onward?"
"Are there any readings around here that have nothing to do with the penis?"
"Everything has to do with the penis, dear."

"Reggie, you're breaking up, homey. Shit, Reggie, you're breaking up. I's on BART, mother fucker. Yeah, yeah. On BART. Shit, hold on. Goddamn. This sucks. This is bullshit. Reggie, I back on. You hear me? I's on BART. You hear me? Goddamn piece of shit phone. Reggie, you hear me now? Pull the dick outta yo ear. Reggie, tell me, now. What'd she say about me? Tell me the truf. The truf, homey. She dig this? She dig all this? What? That's bullshit. She's ain't nothing but a class action ho."

"I sure didn't feel safe riding BART this morning."
"I didn't feel safe riding my bike anymore."

"Gay vacation."

"Yeah, yeah. Her voice really made me feel something. I see a lot of shows, being in this business, and hers was the first voice I've heard in years that made me feel something."
"You work in the record industry?"
"I'm a musician, yeah."
"What label is your music on?"
"Well, now, I work at Subway."

"A buddy of mine said he was on a flight after 9/11, and a woman started having a stroke. A doctor from the back of the plane ran up the aisle to help her, and an Air Marshall didn't know what was going on, and he punched the guy in the face and knocked him out. Thought he was a terrorist."
"What happened to the woman?"
"She was okay, I guess. My friend told me that when the doctor came to, the Air Marshall was sorry and apologized. Told everyone to forget the incident."

"Sir! Sir! You have to sit down now!"
"But I..."
"Sir, now!"
"But, bathroom..."
"Sir!"
"Oh, darn it."