"What's that you got there?"
"Bean burrito from Taco Bell."
"What'd you want to disable us all?"

"I am excited. No more brother-in-law."

"Bathroom time, is my time."

"He's not much a cuddler. He's more of an explorer."

"Hey, is Goldfinger sold out already?"
"No."
"Do you think it'll sell out?"
"No."
"Is that guy who played Jaws going to speak or something?"
"No, he'll just be hanging out in the lobby."
"Awesome. Growing up, I never thought I'd meet Jaws."

"What's that noise out there?"
"Some homeless dude, yelling."
"Great, another screamer."

"If you like your smooth jazz fresh and chill, you got to listen to the backside of the Whisper Zone, which is the Weekend Sleep In."
"Where do you hear this shit?"
"Bay Smooth Jazz."
"Can't you listen to something else?"

"When a candidate asks you why they didn't get the job, you can't tell them because they're an ass."

"The thing about smooth jazz is that smooth-jazzers always ask themselves if the music is suitable for all smooth-jazzers, if the music is smooth enough."

"How are you doing today?"
"Good, thanks. How are you?"
"Oh, good ever since I quit complaining. Ever since I quit complaining, life's gotten real good. You know, I got the cancer two years ago, and the doctors said I wouldn't be alive now. Guess what, I'm still alive."
"Well that's good."
"You don't know how good."

"Oh, look at that little broom. It's sooooo cute. That's what I need. You think they have that in pink?"

"I only listen to Bay Smooth Jazz on the Internet. I really like the Whisper Zone show on Fridays."

"Yo, Paco. You gots to stop doing that crazy shit, you know what I'm saying? You be'in too loco and shit. You need some correct'in and ladies and shit. You keep this shit up, and someone's going to bring the hurt to your ass. Nobody likes no dumb shit, you know what I'm sayin'?"

"This is the J-Church. This train is a J-Church. Correction, this train is a T-Castro. T-Castro. This train is a T-Castro."
"What the? Can't MUNI do anything right?"
"No, this is awful."
"You know, they do this all the time. One time, I got on a the M to head home, and at Civic Center, they turned the train into a J."
"Unbelievable."
"MUNI thinks they can do whatever they want."
"They sure do."
"They just mess with people's lives how they see fit. We've got to rise up. That's what we've got to do."

"My hatred for hippies is, like, so severe. Oh, God. They're singing. I'm going to file a noise violation complaint with the city. This is ridiculous."

"This train isn't going to the airport."
"Yes it is."
"Mom, look at the map."
"Well, it goes near the airport. Settle down."

"Fuck this place. I'm getting some coffee before I pass out."

"You can't have chicken pox! When I was born, I got that immunity thing. And so did you. It's not adult chicken pox. It's probably just normal hives. No, you ran a marathon a week ago. You probably got something from doing that. Maybe you touched a plant. No, it's not chicken pox! Do you have a fever? Did you call the doctor? Who did you call? Oh, fuck."

"When I was, like, in college, I could run four miles easy. I'd just do it, you know? Now that I'm thirty, it's like, I can't go twenty steps without breaking a sweat. Running 's just stupid now."
"Yeah, I used to do hundreds of push-ups. I mean, hundreds. And now, fuck that."

"This I have learned. Don' eat a bean and cheese burrito at ten PM and wash it down with a Hong Kong milk tea. This I have learned."

"She looks pissed off all the time, and she wonders why she doesn't have a boyfriend... I don't think I've ever seen her smile. Who wants to be around someone that's angry all the time? It doesn't matter that she's hot, she's a bitch."

"Are you two, like, going out?"
"We've gone to the gym. We've worked out together."
"Has he taken you out to dinner?"
"No, but we've gone to the gym three times. That's something, right?"

"Hot? It ain't hot. People always be complaining. I tell you what, go to Kansas, and you'll all know what hot is. If you go to Kansas, you'll be back here faster than a mouse can break wind."

"You want to hear nasty? You should hear how my brother-in-law talks to my sister. That's nasty."

"There used to be a camera shop right there. For twenty-five years, that place was right there."
"Can you imagine all the fisting pictures they must've developed?"

"You're not sexy!"
"Stop it."
"Not sexy!"
"You're just jealous of my gay paradise."

"Oh man, look at that. I hate puking."

"I just don't want to be old when the Mad Max days happen. I mean, if the world is going to end like that, I want it to happen when I can get around without a wheelchair."

"That's a dangerous combo: Sugar Pops and beer."

"Impeach now! Firing squad later! Impeach now! Firing squad later!"
"What's that about?"
"It's just San Francisco."

"When can go here. This place has organic beef."
"Organic beef? What the hell is that? I want real beef. There's got to be a Carl's Jr. around here."

"I can't do that anymore because it makes my butt smell."