"Iron Maiden was, like, the best band, ever."

"I'm lookin' forward to that first beer. Ring in New Years right."
"I'm lookin' forward to all beers, dude."
"2004 was the year of the Coors. 2005 will be the year of the Bud."

"How about The Rose Cafe?"
"No, that place is terrible."
"Terrible?"
"They don't serve real Mexican food."
"Are you kidding? That is real Mexican food. It's diner Mexican food."
"There's no such thing as diner Mexican food."
"The hell there isn't. You go into that place and the customers are all wearing John Deer hats and drinking coffee. Those guys are real. They survived World War II and they like their beans and rice partitioned on plates. You remember Javier's in Santa Maria?"
"No."
"The same fifteen guys were always in there, drinking coffee with their sides of beans and rice partitioned. That's the real deal."
"Tio Alberto's is better."
"Tio Alberto's couldn't hold a candle to The Rose Cafe. They don't serve coffee and they sure as hell don't partition their beans and rice. Plus, they went out of business."

"I think Lindsey should take a programming class. She'd like it. You know, those Asians are good at math..."
"Yeah, and we Germans are good at war."
"Losing wars. Starting wars and losing wars. My family, we're good at talking a good game and not making anything happen."
"Sounds like my family."
"You know what The Blarney Stone is?"
"Kind of. I forgot why people go to it."
"You kiss it to become a smooth talker. My great, great, great grandfather fell asleep on the thing."

"I'm glad we didn't go to LA. Evan is probably still stuck on the 154 since the 101 is closed. He said the rain wasn't that bad. Shit... We saw the LA Times this morning, and there were pictures of people wading through water and hanging on to the tops of cars. Not that bad... What a dumb ass."

"I have ham in my nose and my sun glasses just fell in the toilet. Today is not good."

"Excuse me, do you know where the Nordstrom is?"
"Sure, it's about three blocks that way."
"Thank you. I get so turned around because of the road work."
"No problem. Oh, and it's on the other side of the street."
"I knew that already. I'm not a tourist. I'm from Thousand Oaks."

"Were things okay with your family at Christmas?"
"No."

"Right, Val?"
"No."
"What do you mean, no? What kind of girlfriend are you?"
"What?"
"Oh, I knew I shouldn't have said that..."

"Yeah, what are you two doing for New Years? A fetish club? No, I guess it's not that weird. It's better than going to The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"Hey, I didn't even know that sweater was in my closet. Look at this thing. This is an awesome sweater. It makes me look like an English teacher and shit."
"He says that every single time he finds that sweater."
"I do not."
"It's not even a sweater."
"Then what is it, huh?"
"A cardigan."
"Same shit."

"Tim Matheson is in the store."
"Who?"
"Tim Matheson."
"Who's that?"
"He's an actor."
"I've never heard of him. I don't have a TV."
"Really?"
"Yes, really."

"Let's go eat."
"Man, my pants still aren't dry. Dry pants. I'm a super hero named Dry Pants. I fuck shit up."

"I just need to get out of this town. I've lived here ten years, and I've had only six good months."

"Okay, who keeps feeding the dog sausage? Look, he yurped on the carpet again. And I'm not cleaning it up anymore. Someone better start taking responsibility for their actions around here. The brush and carpet cleaner are in the hall closet. Well, don't everyone get up at once. Lordy."

"Then he got the other guys from his band, and they went out lookin' for the skins that jumped him. Hospitalized one of the fuckers."
"Those guys hate Nazis."
"They hate everyone."

"Boy, it's a shame that you generation X'ers don't have any good music. Would you listen to that Navy brass band. Just beautiful, simply beautiful."

"Look at him. It's too cold for him to go outside and do his business. What kind of a Husky are you? You're supposed to like the cold. You hear me? What kind of cold weather dog are you? Go on, now. Outside. Do your business. No, don't look at me like that. Don't play your shiver game with me. Go on, now. Go outside and sprinkle. We're not going to stand here all day with the door open. You're a sorry excuse for a sled dog. The whole family would die out on the tundra if we took you along."

"Want some OJ with your coffee?"
"No thanks."
"I can't drink my morning coffee without a glass of OJ or Clamato. I need something to put my Metamucil in."
"What?"
"My Metamucil. I have to warm it up in the microwave, first. It doesn't disolve unless I warm it up in juice."
"Merry Christmas, Pop-Pop."
"Oh, good Heavens. I forgot. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!"

"Old Holst up the street was in the Wehrmacht during the war. That's how he met is wife. He was wounded on the Russian front. His wife was a nurse in Berlin."
"Jesus, was the guy a Nazi?"
"Oh, I don't think so. I've never asked."
"Do guys your age ever talk about that kind of thing."
"Not really. Those who saw combat don't talk about it."
"You ever ask the guy what it was like to live under the Nazis?"
"No, it just isn't talked about. I don't think he'd mind if I asked. But it's just not talked about. I'll tell you, though, he really loves America. I don't think I've ever met a man who loved America more. He made a good living, blowing glass of all things, in Santa Barbara."

"We didn't get a Christmas card from Becker."
"Hmm. Maybe he didn't make it through the year."
"The Andrews also didn't send us a card. They're a few years older than us, you know. Eighty-five or eighty-six."
"Hmm. Maybe neither of them made it through the year."
"You see, when you're our age, if you don't hear from somebody for a while, there's a good chance they're dead."

"Johnny, the smoke detector is going off?"
"Huh?"
"The smoke detector! It's making that noise again."
"Well, I don't hear anything."
"Because you're not wearing your hearing aid."
"Huh?"
"You're hearing aid! Wear your hearing aid! You see what I put up with?"

"My God, how much did you pay for those?"
"Oh, only thirty dollars."
"Wow, those were like a hundred dollars when I was a kid."
"You didn't live near a Walmart."

"Dude, it's so on at Christmas. So on!"

"How'd that leg break?"
"I jumped out the fuckin' window, all right. You're so goddamn nosey. I should've died. Instead, I got this fuckin' cast. Bitch is what it is."

"Tom, there's no meeting now, is there?"
"Not that I know of."
"Meetings have been popping on and off from Outlook."
"Yeah, I've heard that excuse before. Outlook this, Outlook that."

"Let's get some coffee."
"In a minute."
"I need coffee."
"Let's finish this up."
"I can't without the coffee."
"Hold on, just five minutes."
"I'm dying without the coffee."
"Fine, let's go, Jesus Christ."
"Crucified without coffee."

"Twenty minutes to drive three blocks. You have to plan your whole life around traffic. Even on the weekends."
"Traffic is the new terrorism."
"Goddamn it is."

"Charlotte, come on. Up the stairs."
"No."
"Charlotte, it's cold outside. Mommy wants to be inside. Up the stairs, come on."
"No."
"Come on, now. Don't you want to watch Sesame Street? If you come up the stairs, you'll get to watch Bert and Ernie. Don't you want to watch Bert and Ernie?"
"No."
"Big Bird?"
"No."
"How about Elmo? Don't you want to see Elmo? That's a good girl. Elmo's on. Let's watch Elmo."

"He's supposed to teach them how to make pivot tables, and he never does."
"He's an idiot."
"Victoria!"
"Well, he is."

"You'll like them."
"That's dumb. You make them, but you don't eat them."

"Yeah, I'm trying to keep my percentage of body fat down."
"It's tough."
"Fuck yeah, it's tough. I almost bust a hernia every time I'm in here, and my body fat never changes."

"Hey, don't sneeze in here and spread your sick-ass disease. It's hard enough keeping healthy."
"Sorry."
"I don't need no cold."

"No way!"
"Yes way! He was like, 'But I love you.'"
"No!"
"And I was like, 'But you were with her.'"
"No!"
"And he was like, 'But that was just physical.'"
"Oh, my God!"
"And I was like, 'Cheating is cheating.'"
"What a creep!"
"And he was like, 'My soul doesn't cheat.'"
"What a jerk!"
"And I was like, 'But your dick does.'"

"You know where the airport is, right?"
"Of course."
"You know how expensive it is to park there, right?"
"Unfortunately, I know."
"My new lover, Brandon, showed me a place where you can leave your car for eight dollars a day."
"Eight dollars a day? That's so, so amazing. I'll have to do more traveling. Can I meet Brandon?"
"Oh, you're such a queen."

"This seat taken?"
"You reap what you sow."
"Yup."
"Time consumption. Material consumption. That's it. It's that simple."
"Nice day out."
"You pay to sit here. I pay to look at you. We all pay."
"Excuse me?"
"My world."
"You reading that paper?"

"Well how 'bout a rice crispy treat?"
"No, only if it's Atkins. I like the packaging."

"Even though he was in Europe for his father's funeral, his manager called and told him he had to get back to work immediately. There was some special project they needed him for."
"That's illegal."
"Not if you want your job... But the best part is that he flew back, and the manager in charge of the project was out on vacation for two weeks."
"Did he quit?"
"Yeah, he works here now. The guy's great."

"He was a strong candidate, but that whole thing about his manager smoking pot in the office wasn't a smart thing to bring up. Sure, it might be true, but you don't bring that up in an interview."
"But his boss was from The Netherlands. It's legal to do that there."
"Well, it's legal to cut off thieves' hands in Saudi Arabia, but if he was from there and did that, do you think it would be relevant to programming?"
"I guess it depends if it was a coworker."
"That's it. No more interviews for you."

"Don't dial 911. Only 000. That's my home phone number. Never use a cell phone. Call moma on a tin can. Hop the telephone pole. Connect to beans. Disconnect from soda pop. Help a mind. Give me a dime."

"Charles, what's Knott's Berry Farm?"
"It's an amusement park near Los Angeles. I don't know how to say this, but it's the ghetto of amusement parks--like if you can't afford Disneyland."
"I've never heard of it."
"It's a weird place. It was started by this guy Knott back when LA was orange groves. He had a fried chicken restaurant that was so popular that lines wrapped around the building. To keep his customers from leaving, he built a few rides, and then people started going just for the rides. It's got a pioneer theme. It doesn't make a lot of sense, though. I mean, they've got rides that have nothing to do with pioneers. People die on the rides, too."
"No?"
"Yeah, if you drive by on the freeway, you can see this huge pole the size of a sky-scrapper that drops people off in parachute baskets, and every once in a while, the parachutes don't open. People just fall to their deaths."
"No way?"
"Yeah, and if that ride won't kill you, the gangs will. Or at least they did. The place used to have shootouts between The Bloods and The Crips."
"Wow, doesn't sound like a place to take the kids."
"Well, last time I was there, they had a new Snoopy area, just for kids."

"I mean, you go to any museum or turn on any TV in Europe, and they've got English."
"Europe's great. They're smart. They know what's going on."

"A customer requested that our product be translated into Slovenian."
"Yeah, that's going to happen..."

"Rod Stewart is playing Fresno this year. We offered them tickets for Christmas, but they said, No, maybe next year."
"That is incredible. Incredible. They don't know how spoiled they are. And they'd be lucky if Rod ever plays there again."

"And this is my cube."
"Wow, it's small."
"Yeah but all the magic happens right here."

"Deck my balls with a blonde named Holly, fa la la la la, la la la la!"

"Don't worry about getting wasted at the holiday party. Everyone gets wasted."
"Right on."

"I found out that the remodel on our kitchen won't be finished until January."
"Oh, what a surprise..."

"Sir, can you read? Your bag can't go through. Place it on the table. Sir, I can't open it. You have to open it. Are you going to open it or hold up the thirty people in line? There's another pocket on that bag. You have to open that too. Now, take out its contents. There. Now, that wasn't so hard was it? Next."
"Do I need to take out the contents of my bag for you?"
"No, go right through."

"Would you jump off the Golden Gate Bridge for a quarter? No, of course you wouldn't. If you wanted a quarter so bad, I would've given you one. I would've given you a quarter not to jump into the fountain. Why don't you use your head? Now you're soaked, and you'll be sitting in class all day, dripping water on to the floor. And you know you're going to catch a cold. I just can't believe you sometimes. It's amazing what you do. Are you listening to me?"
"Yeah."
"Your mother is going to be more upset than I am. And Santa will be more upset than your mother."
"No!"

"Where's everyone going?"
"It's the lunch train, Mr. Fergson. Hop on board."
"Where are the reservations at?"
"The lunch train doesn't bother itself with reservations. It cruises down the tracks and stops at the most desired location."

"The bathroom smells like popcorn again."
"That sucks."

"In the house. I'm in the house, y'all. In the house. This is my block, y'all. Born and raised here. And none of you is from here. Know how I can tell? 'Cuz I'm black, and you're not. Yeah. See this bag here? This is for my grandson. See this other bag? This is mine. And it ain't for the ladies if you know what I mean. Yeah. Hey, you got grandkids?"
"No."
"You know why? You know why I got grandkids and you don't? 'Cuz you're a one, and I'm a ten. I'm a ten, y'all. Yeah. Born and raised. Born and raised right here. I've been here before disco. I've been here before the shit-ass hippies. And you know who was here before the hippies? Beatniks, man. And you know who was here before the beatniks? No one but me, y'all. Hey, man step aside. Move out of my way. I've got that big ol' train to Fresno to catch. So, have yourselves the weekend. Get your noses clean."

"I'm so sick of khakis. Everyone walks around with them crammed up their butts, and, for Christ's sake, they're the color of recycled paper."
"Jeans are the way to go. They're blue."

"You know what the most patriotic thing you can do is?"
"No, enlighten me."
"Picking up your dog shit."

"You brought a book to Disneyland?"
"Of course. You think I was just going to stand there in those lines?"
"Well no wonder people looked at you funny."
"No, they weren't looking at me. They were looking at the book. They looked at it like they'd never seen one before. They looked at it like it was a moon rock."

"Hi, Alfred."
"I see you've got time for a smoke break these days."
"Just one cigarette."
"Good."

"Are you cold?"
"No."
"I received word that people are cold in this part of the building."
"Well, it's not me. I think Michelle's cold. Carolyn too."
"Where do they sit?"
"Right over there."
"Hey, are you two cold?"
"Yeah, I'm freezing."
"You?"
"Only after two o'clock."
"Where you're sitting, there's not much I can do about it. You're too far away from the vents. Hey, what's that board over there?"
"The dry-erase board?"
"Yeah, can you move that for me please."
"Sure."
"Well there's the problem. That board has been blocking the thermostat. The sensor can't work when it's blocked."
"You mean we just needed to move the board?"
"Yeah."
"Why couldn't someone tell us that three months ago?"
"No one called me three months ago."

"You know we're going to have to drink a bunch of mango juice after that. We're going to smell like shit."

"Eric, damnit. Pick your feet up when you walk."
"I am."
"You're not. You're wearing out the soles of your shoes. And you look dumb."

"Oh, sure, we have barbarians today. They're just not marauding armies pillaging Rome. Instead, we've got lawyers and insurance companies bleeding us dry through bureaucracies."

"I always thought that house was a piece of crap, but they sold it for a million dollars."
"Who would've thought that any old ugly house in this city could make someone rich."

"Eric's our engineer of reproduction."
"Also, the engineer of provolactics."

"Oh, God. I've got that feeling in my stomach again. It's going to rain on Saturday."
"How can you tell that?"
"Whenever it feels like I need some Pepto-Bismol, it rains a few days later."

"Okay, is everyone here that needs to be here for this meeting?"
"Think so."
"Let's hope so. Because this is like The Thunderdome. Have you seen that movie? People enter, but no one leaves. Let's hope you all went to the bathroom and got your coffee."

"Oh, I love what you've done with your hair. Where did you go?"
"To the guy you told me about: Mr. Pink Whistle."
"He's such an artist."

"God will use this broom to sweep away you homos!"