"There's this place called the Spa Bar in the Mission...I thought you could go and get your nails done and have a drink, but of course it's just a normal bar."

"Do you let your kids dye eggs, Jerry?"
"Yeah, what's wrong with dying Easter eggs?"
"I don't know. We were giving Ron shit because he doesn't let his kids dye Easter eggs."
"You've got to be kidding me. Is there some new political movement against dying eggs? I'm glad people have their priorities straight."

"We're nothing but a nation of dumb Okies with capital."

"Sometimes, when you have kids, they're supposed to look like the mom, right?"
"Yes, children usually look like both parents combined."
"Huh, your kids don't look anything like you. And you're their mom?"
"Yes."
"I'm confused."

"I mean, if you're going to shoot someone with a squirt gun at work, be prepared for some kind of sexual harassment lawsuit."
"Especially in this town. No one's safe."

"You feeling better?"
"Yes, those pills you gave me..."
"Yeah, my elephant pills..."
"They make me feel like a million dollars."
"The bigger the pill, the better the cure. Let me know if you need more."

"Do you let the CEO's dog eat out of your trashcan?"
"This is your big delimma?"
"Well, you don't want the dog to eat something that will make it sick and die, right? You'll get blamed for it and fired. But you also don't know if the CEO lets the dog eat whatever it wants in the office. Like trash. Would you get fired for not letting the dog eat whatever it wants?"
"Just ignore the dog."
"It's hard. It knocked my trashcan over the other day."

"Come on, no account fee."
"I'm sorry, sir. You went under your account's required balance."
"Come on, be nice."
"I'm sorry."
"Come on, you can be nice, can't you?"
"You're required..."
"Come on, nice, huh? Be nice."
"If you'd like to speak to the manager..."
"Ah, now that's not nice."

"A little bit of water falls out of the sky, and the whole damn city falls apart. I don't know how our ancestors coped with lions in the jungles--we can't even cope with a little water. Makes me mad. Can't even find parking."

"If the city shuts you guys down, so God help me, I'll quit my job. It's just inhumane not to be near good Mexican food for lunch."

"No, no. We shouldn't buy anything else from those people. They're stupid. Next thing you know, we'll be stupid for using their stupid products, and then we'll be out of business, and we'll feel really stupid."

"Why are the British so adjective happy?"
"I don't understand."
"Every time I talk to one of them, they add a word with an ly at the end. Like, it's not just horrible, it's absoluet-ly horrible."
"I don't know. Why do Americans always say cool instead of okay?"
"Because our education system is terrible, that's why."
"You mean, absolute-ly terrible?"
"Cool."

"He actually called me Th-om."
"What?"
"He's so stupid he couldn't figure out that Thom is short for Thomas. Th-om...what a tool."

"And she said, get this, you speak pretty good English."
"Hasn't she met an Asian-American before?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'm the only Asian who's ever been to Colorado... Matt and I just kept turning to each other the rest of the weekend and saying, you speak pretty good English. It was the funniest thing."
"What did you say back to her?"
"I don't remember. I was so stunned at what she said. Plus, she was hot. It really didn't matter. Matt thinks it might have been some kind of pick up line of hers."

"I'm going to kick Tigger in the nuts."
"What?"
"I'm going to go kick Tigger in the nuts."
"That's Eyore, dude."
"No, over there."
"Oh, yeah, that's Tigger."
"I'm going to go kick him in the nuts."
"Ouch. Looks like that kid just beat you to it."

"That drum solo was too long. This isn't a rock concert. You'd have to be stoned to enjoy drums for that long."
"I liked the bass."
"It's pronounced b-a-ss. If you say it the other way, it's a fish. People will look at you like you're stupid. You're in America now, honey. You have to get the words right."

"You're stuck in San Jose? Oh my God. That's like purgatory. Hopefully the traffic will clear."

"Which protein would you recommend?"
"They're all the same, really. Just drink it all the time."
"How often?"
"I drink eight to ten shakes a day."
"A day?"
"How many do you drink?"
"One with breakfast and one after I workout."
"That's why you're not big. You have to feed your muscles all day long."
"But isn't all that protein bad for your kidneys?"
"You know, I'm so sick of hearing that. There is nothing, nothing bad about protein. Nobody, nobody has proven anything, alright? Look at me. How old do you think I am?"
"I don't know, thirty?"
"I'm forty-two."
"Really?"
"Yes, I don't lie. And I feel good. And I look good. It's all because of protein. There's no fat in protein. Protein is protein. That's why there's all those fat people out there. They eat all those carbs and never any good protein, like these shakes. I'm so sick of all of them."
"So which protein do you use?"
"I use all of them. You have to mix-and-match. But stay away from Myoplex. I don't know what the fuss is all about. It's just a name, and it makes everybody gassy."

"Boner patrol."

"Daddy, what's that man doing?"
"He's sleeping, honey."
"He's peed his pants."
"He's really tired, that's all."

"Spice headache?"
"Curry headache."

"Hey, I won the lottery again in Brazil."
"You did?"
"That's what this email says."
"No, I won that last week. And the week before that. Brazilians love me. Didn't you hear? I'm their American folk hero."
"How much did you have to pay for you winnings?"
"Nothing. Just had to give them my bank account number."
"Obviously there's nothing wrong with that."
"Obviously. Everyone knows you have to give your bank account numbers over the Internet to claim lotteries. I've won so many international lotteries that I just come to work to humble myself."
"Wow, me too."

"What's that you got there?"
"Jesus candy. It's like a Gummi Bear. Want some?"
"No thank you. That might upset my stomach."

"They just said everyone has to go. You don't have jobs anymore."
"That's shocking."
"I was in shock. I thought they were just letting us go home early."

"Is somebody going to close the doors? Oh, no. Oh, no. More people keep coming in. Hey, man! We're closed!"
"I don't see no closed sign."
"Oh, no. Hey, somebody get the doors. Come on, I don't want to be here all night."

"How did the surgery go?"
"The doctors say it went well. She looks fine. All of the color has returned to here face. Although, she still uses a walker. I guess it's a day-by-day process. You really don't know when someone's going to drop dead."

"Hey, can you get the door for me?"
"No problem."
"Thanks, my kids were playing with my badge last night. I don't know what they did with it."
"At least they weren't playing with your credit cards."
"They do that every once and a while. Wallet is their favorite game."

"This site's really weird. I select don't pee on the wall, and he does ten jumping jacks. I've never seen a site like this. Look, if you click on the chickens, they start rollerblading. This is great."

"It's truly an amazing car. My husband and I drove it out to a vacant parking lot, and he did--I don't know how many donuts--and there was never even a hint of it tipping over. I mean, he tried to roll it. And no matter what he did, it never tipped. What other car could make such a claim? Surely not a Lexus."

"No, you don't want an aggressive skate. Sounds like you just want to go from A to B. Aggressive skates are for ramps and rails. You might...hey, don't let that thing in here. He stinks. Is he putting his sleeping bag in the doorway again?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, I don't want to have to go upstairs and grab the baseball bat. Wait a second, he's leaving. Good. What was I saying?"
"Aggressive skates."
"Right, what you want is a fitness skate."

"Hey, boss. I'm the window washer guy."
"Yeah?"
"I'm here to wash the windows."
"You are?"
"The owner has me come out every year."
"I've been the owner for two years, and I've never had you wash the windows."
"Right. Later."

"That guy's in the crapper so much that IT should just give him a laptop and retrofit the bathroom with a T1 line."
"Sounds like an ideal working environment to me. Beats cubes."

"I don't feel like doing any work today. And the shit's just piling up."
"Hey, let's go downstairs and grab a latte."
"Okay."

"Okay, kids. Kids, settle down!"
"Hey, a news guy's in there."
"Where?"
"In that train. He's got a TV camera!"
"I want to be on TV! Let me be on TV!"
"No one is going to be on TV, settle down."
"I want to be famous!"
"You famous for being ugly, Oscar!"
"Hey, no more of that, Tony. Be nice."
"I want to be on TV!"
"Kimmy, quiet. All of you. Other people don't want to hear you."
"I want to be on TV!"
"Kimmy, quiet!"
"TV!"
"Quiet!"

"That's strange."
"What?"
"That guy working on the clock tower."
"Oh, yeah. Cool. I've never seen anybody up there before."
"I thought something was wrong with the clock. The hour was off."
"After the quake in '89, the clock didn't work for more than ten years."
"Like I care."

"Step aside, we're the heroes of lunch."
"We are?"
"Quiet. My powers are to choose from Chinese, Mexican, or burgers."
"What are my powers?"
"You buy."
"I want your powers."
"Sorry, they're unique to me."
"I have the power to tell both of you that you're lame."

"This is my new job. I go get people for meetings."

"The Michael Jackson trial is going to tear this country apart."

"I have never talked to someone with that low of an IQ before."
"Oh, sure you have."

"We want to know what works for you as employees. If you think green shoes would help you and the company succeed, then let us know. We want to hear from all of you. That doesn't mean your suggestions will always be implemented, though. Management may respond that we've already tried green shoes, and we've discovered that yellow shoes guide us closer to our goals of success."