"She's so tiny. She can't handle the liquor. When she yelled, 'tequila' last night, everyone was ready to hide under the bar."
"She's like a woman version of Dr. Jekle and Mr. Hyde."
"Not a good combo with that boyfriend. You see how big he was?"
"Mountain-size."
"How do they do it?

"Dollar back. You gave me an extra one."
"Oh, thanks. And here I work in finance, counting other people's money all day."

"Okay, let's see what foodstuffs you have at your desk."
"Be my guest."
"Okay, you've got a dark chocolate bar..."
"Always."
"Ricola..."
"Never know when you'll cough."
"Creatine powder..."
"No, whey protein. Vanilla..."
"Okay, so you mix all this up into a fondue pot, and that's your lunch?"
"Don't forget the baby aspirin."
"Well, of course not. That's crushed and sprinkled on top, right?"
"Absolutely."

"Beef jerky, Cheetos, and Diet Pepsi...breakfast of champions."
"Dr. Pepper's better for you. They make it with prunes."
"What?!"

"I feel like reaching out to her, but I kind of think she deserves to live in all that hell she's created for herself."
"Losers need to learn not to be losers."

"I like cascade style potato chips better."
"Cascade style...a potato chip is a potato chip."
"No, Ruffles have that crinkle-cut thing going on, and Lays are thin."
"No matter how you cut the potato, it's deep fried to an oblivion. What difference does it make?"
"I like thicker potato chips, that's all."

"You know, I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut. Your party has been in complete control for more than four years, and all you can do is keep blaming everything on the Democrats because your guys are screwing everything up."
"Oh, that's ridiculous!"
"Look at the deficits! Look at the tax cuts for the rich! Look at the needless war! Look at the blatant disregard for the environment!"
"Baloney! It's about time we got some de-regulation. Thirty years of regulations have pushed this country down the tubes! All these damn socialists..."
"Always this talk about socialism...you're still living in the fifties, Daddy. You don't even know what socialism is..."
"I am darn proud to be a Goldwater Republican! Privatization has made this nation strong."
"Nobody ever said privatization was wrong. But you always talk about big business like it was your friend. You think these CEOs in their outrageous salaries give a crap about you?"
"The market determines their salaries, not them."
"Give me a break."
"As a shareholder, you can vote upon their salaries. If you don't like their salaries, then don't buy their stock!"
"No we can't, Daddy. Are you kidding me? You and I aren't those kind of investors."
"These idiot liberals make you think we don't have the freedom to choose what we want by our dollar."
"Your problem is if someone doesn't agree with you, they're an idiot. You can't make the argument, you resort to the word idiot."
"Oh, that's ridiculous! Where did we go wrong with you kids? Four of you, and only one turned out to be a Republican."
"You know, you talk like a Nazi!"
"Outrageous!"
"If people don't agree with you, you just condemn them. You write them off completely if they have a different way of living than you. You want everyone to be exactly the same as you."
"I can't believe this! Take your mother home, Gav."
"I'll happily get my purse. Do you need anything else before we leave?"

"Say, what kind of car is that?"
"A Scion tC."
"Wow, I thought it was some kind of Volvo."
"I was going to get the Civic, but this Scion has so many more standard features. And, it costs thousands less."
"What kind of mileage does it get?"
"About thirty."
"Is that true?"
"Well, so far. I bought it today."
"Oh, you'll find out the truth, soon enough my friend."
"No, the mileage seems real good so far."
"You going to pick up chips with that?"
"Chips?"
"I'm sorry, I meant chicks. At my age, all I pick up are chips."
"No, I've already got a girlfriend."
"Get a dog instead."
"I enjoy my girlfriend."
"Get a small dog."

"Hey, sir, what are you fishing for?"
"Fish."
"I know, but what kind?"
"What kind of fish are you fishing for?"
"I don't know."
"You mean to tell me, you came all the way out here, playing hooky and whatnot, and you don't even know what kind of fish you're after?"
"We're not playing hooky."
"Yeah, summer break now starts in the spring?"
"We're fishing."
"You're pissing me off. How many feet of line you got hanging off your bobber?"
"I don't know."
"No shit you don't know. You need to be in school to know. Five feet junior, that's what you need. You won't catch squat without five feet under the bobber."

"My daddy left me when I was, like, three. And I was, like, shit."

"Basically, we decided to have kids after 9/11."

"Socks with sandals... He's just asking to be Rodney King-ed by the fashion police."

"The only good thing about him is that his mullet keeps getting shorter."

"That ain't fishing, man. Get up. If you're here to fish, then fish. Don't lie down. Shit. You ain't fishing, you're running away from your wife. This ain't crabbin', you've got to stand. Three poles you've got set up, and you're snoozing. Shit. Whole schools of fish pass by you because they know you're sleepin'."

"I'm so tired of losing things. I keep leaving my credit cards at bars."

"I was hoping the new Pope would take the name Jesus II. Or, Leroy."
"Leroy would be awesome. That would scare the wrath of God into people."

"Hey, they elected a new Pope."
"Who?"
"Some German guy. I can't pronounce his name. Hey, get this. He's seventy-eight."
"Jesus, we'll be going through all this crap in another few years. What a crock."

"And your sister's wedding?"
"Well, the groom is just a horrible, awful, despicable, terrible, miserable, ugly human being. And so were his people. The best man checked out my sister in front of everyone."
"Why did she marry him? Is he rich?"
"No, but he has assets."

"Hey, if you see a fish pull on that line, don't be bashful. Pick that pole up. I'll be over here drinking, smoking, and drinking."
"I'd damn near quit my job to fish here."
"My sister worked at Riker's Island for ten years before quitting. Just like a woman..."
"I didn't know women could work at men's prisons."
"You ain't seen my sister."

"Wow, look at that lung. I thought they'd be bigger than that. And look how small the kidneys are."
"I'm hungry."

"How was your weekend?"
"Good. How was yours?"
"Well, sick baby. I've never been vomited on so much in my life."
"Oh, gross."
"It doesn't seem so gross when it's your kids'. But anyone else's vomit, and I would've been throwing up all over the place."

"Hey, good to see you. You made bail."
"Hell, yeah. No more Mickey-Mouse for me."

"Blockbuster wanted to charge me another arm and a leg to rent movies, and I told them, fuck you, I ain't no fuck-face. I'm getting me a DVD burner and burning me my own Blockbuster at home. Stupid mother fuckers."

"No one in my family trusts any of the bridges around here. After the quake of '89, they think if they ever drive on a bridge, it'll collapse."
"So how do they get to the city?"
"I know it sounds crazy, but they first drive an hour down to San Jose, and then they drive an hour up the Peninsula. And that's if there's no traffic."
"There's always traffic."
"They rather drive around the bay, than drown in it."
"Think of all the hours they've sat in the car."

"It says here Madeline is one of the most popular new names for babies."
"Madeline?"
"It's true. All of my friends are naming their daughters Madeline."
"Makes me think of all the fussy girls who get grossed out by their own snot."

"What do you think of pirates?"

"They're lying to us. All day, every day. Just turn on the news. Hell, it shouldn't even be called news, it should be called look at all these lies. Man, we're adults. We can handle the truth. We can deal with dirty laundry. My moma always told me that the cream rises to the top, you know what I mean?"
"Yes."
"How long you people in town for?"
"Three days."
"Shit man, that's long enough. This city's only seven miles. Three days, seven miles, that's too much time, if you ask me. Maybe you can save yourself some dollars and go home early. This town sucks, if you ask me."

"Look at this: Google Hacks."
"Why do you want to hack into Google?"
"I can't believe you work in tech and talk like that. Hacking isn't snooping around. It's fixing things."
"What's broken with Google?"
"Nothing, you can learn to do cool things with it."
"Yeah, but you already know how to search the Internet and use maps. What else do you need to do?"
"Get you an imagination."

"Remember that thing in the news about the chimp tearing that guy apart?"
"What?"
"You didn't hear about that guy at some chimp sanctuary in Bakersfield who got his fingers and nuts bitten off?"
"Jesus, no."
"He and his wife were visiting a chimp they used to know, and another chimp attacked the man."
"Why didn't he just beat the shit out of it?"
"Chimps are stronger than people, you retard."
"Yeah, but you could out run them."
"They have fangs and the strength of five men."
"I bet if you gave me a baseball bat and two of my friends, we could take a chimp down."
"Hey, that could be a TV show. For a million dollars, people go one-on-one with a chimp. If you live, you get the money."
"That'd be awesome. Or how about gorillas?"
"Have you ever seen a gorilla? Nobody could fight off a gorilla. They're like a human tank."
"Then how did the Romans capture them for gladiator events?"
"They probably used nets and tired them out with spears."
"How about a TV show where you put a couple of gorillas in the roughest federal prison. Just let the cameras roll. People could take bets on who would live."
"Could the prisoners use shanks?"
"Anything."
"Yeah, I'd watch that."

"Hey, I saw the new Star Wars preview."
"Yeah, and?"
"It looks like it's going to suck as bad as the other ones. I thought it might actually be decent until one of the character's began to talk."
"Yeah, with all his money, you think Lucas could hire a writer."
"No, those movies need a speech therapist, not a writer. Only a doctor could save that dialog."
"Those films are dead. A doctor couldn't revive them. In fact, they should be pulled off of life support."
"I gave up on Star Wars a long time ago. I switched to Death Sport."
"You mean, Blood Sport?"
"No, Death Sport. I know my movies. Blood Sport was the Jean-Claude Van Dam piece of crap, Death Sport is the Stallone piece of crap. I think it's full title is Death Sport 2000. These guys in cars try to kill each other in a sporting event."
"But it doesn't have light sabers."
"Fuck light sabers. What good are they going to do you when a car tries to run you over?"

"Hey, get ready. The Wiggles are coming."
"I think I have a year before The Wiggles. Kevin, do you know who The Wiggles are?"
"Do I want to know?"
"They're a children's singing group from Australia."

"Sarah might not come back, once she has her baby."
"Really?"
"Her husband works at Google. He's been there for five years. They say people who have been there for two years are worth more than two and a half million in stock. You can imagine what kind of money they're sitting on."
"I never knew what money was until I moved here."

"Sir, I'm not open. You have to wait until someone calls you."
"Why, you're just standing around, wasting tax payer money?"
"I can help you over here, sir."
"Well how about that. Somebody works around here."

"That's, the new Stevie Wonder song? What's he even saying?"
"What the funk. Or, maybe it's what the fuss. I don't know."
"What the hell happened to him? He used to have talent. Did he get hit by a car or something?"

"He's so fuckin' weird. His room has tons of posters and eight by ten pictures of himself 'cause he says he's the only beautiful person in the world."

"Carne asada burrito, extra hot?"
"That's me, sir. Extra hot. Just like the womens."

"That guy from Boston's assessment of the merger is one shit bird plus one shit bird equals one giant shit bird."

"Excuse me. I don't know what I had for lunch, but, boy..."

"I saw that shoot out of nowhere like a flaming gorilla covered with cheese and wearing a dress."

"We're looking for an admin for that project."
"How about Bob Doole?"
"Bob Doole?"
"You don't know Bob? Why, he's the best project admin in the world. Probably ever."
"Really?"
"Sure, and he needs some work. Otherwise, he might not be around much longer."

"Doughnuts! Doughnuts! Doughnuts!"

"This guy came up to me at the gym the other day, as I'm doing my triceps, and says, 'What you really want to do is keep your elbows straight. Don't do the reps that fast, and remember to keep your elbows straight. You'll get more out of your workout that way.'"
"That might not be bad advice. You don't want to lift too fast."
"Yeah, I know, but the guy wasn't in shape. I wanted to say, 'Excuse me, who are you, Arnold Schwarzenegger? I don't think so, fatso. Why don't you leave me alone and mind your own business.'"

"Was that a bark?"
"That was the dumbest dog in Fremont."
"Wow, he's pretty cool looking. What is he, lab and hound?"
"If you take him home, he's whatever mix you want him to be."
"You seriously want to get rid of him?"
"You smell that? That's him. He always smells like that. It's the hound. We took him to the vet and tried to get some pills so he'd stop stinking up the house, but the vet just told us he's hound, and hounds stink."
"He's not that bad."
"That's because I squirted him with some of Donna's perfume. Now, he just smells like dog stink and perfume. The smell keeps me up at night. You sure you don't want him?"
"I'd love to, but my meaningful relationship with my landlord would sour. What's wrong with his tail?"
"He's bit the end so much it's crooked."

"What's that burning? It smells like electrical wires."
"I just smell the pizza Courtney ordered."
"Oh, is that today? Let's hurry up and get a piece."

"Darth Vader? He's in marketing, right?"
"How long were you in Ghana?"