"We should go to a Giants game together. Just us."
"No, it wouldn't be as much fun. No offense. It's just that, going with a chick is kind of boring. You need guys to get it together. You know?"
"No."
"Oh."

"Pizza is not your friend."

"They do nothing but sit out in the desert and lift weights and look good. I can't wait to meet a GI."

"Zurich got rated as the city with the highest quality of life, and Baghdad got rated as the city with the lowest quality of life. You know, I can't think of a worst city to live in than Baghdad."
"How about Darfur?"
"That's a region, not a city."
"In six months, Sri Lanka will be the place with the lowest quality of life."
"Why is that?"
"The ceasefire with the Tamil Tigers has ended. And they are the worst terrorists in the world. They have killed more people than nations with armies. The conflict there has been going on for thirty years."
"Are the Tamil Tigers the guy with that big moustache?"
"Guy with big moustache? Everyone has a big moustache in that part of the world. A couple months ago, I had a big moustache until I came to America."

Yeah, wasn't that terrific? Hey, man, did you get a look at that vinyl tile? Yeah, I mean what a load of crap that is. If I bring that puppy down, there's going to be Hell to pay, and I'm already broke, you know what I mean?"

"You should ask Uncle Dumb-Dumb Butterfly how to do that?"
"He's memorized his multiplication tables?"
"He sure has."
"Wow."

"I don't want to look like a big dork, that's all."
"But you'd be saving the environment."

"Oh, quiet down. You're just part of the geo-global middle class."

"Hey, did I tell you about my friend Marcel's pleasure party?"
"Shhhh...why do you always bring this kind of thing up in public spaces?"

"I said salad! We're having salad. Enough is enough! Get us some lettuce and ranch dressing. And put it on the table. I want to see it on that table when I get home."

"I ain't got no socks on 'cuz it's hot."
"Your feet stank."

"Get this. I had a fish sandwich, Big Mac, large fries, and nine-piece McNuggets. Top that for lunch."

"How do I edit my email addresses?"
"See the edit button?"
"What edit button?"
"The one right here."
"Hey, that wasn't there before."
"Click it next to the email address you want to edit."
"Say, that's smart. Can you write it down for me? I know I'm going to forget how to do this."

"Mom, since you were subjected to a punk music compilation last time you were in my car, I've made it up to you. This is soul."
"What, soul?"
"Yeah."
"This is what people your age listen to now?"
"Mom, this is James Brown."
"Who?"
"Jesus, why do I bother?"
"This music is tacky. Can you just turn it off please."

"This is all the chicks' stuff. Where's the dudes'?"

"You should go to Iceland. They know how to party over there. They listen to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. I never heard The Wall."

"Burger King is a socialist entity erecting a burger-curtain across this landscape."

"The burritos here, man...they're the shit."

"Is that another demonstration outside?"
"Sounds like it."
"Sounds like they're yelling, 'What do we want? Bullshit! When do we want it? Now!'"
"If people are going to block off the streets, can they at least make it clear what they want?"
"You heard them. They want bullshit."

"Yeah, once the economy took off, I noticed there weren't as many transvestite in San Francisco. I wonder where they all went."
"We have one transvestite in Pasadena named Jim. He's the kind of girl or guy who looks like a three hundred pound trucker, but he or she has mammoth tits and long hair. He or she always carries a guitar around and plays on top of rocks in the park so that you can see his or her nuts hanging out of his shorts. The city council's been trying to pass ordinances to get rid of Jim so that it won't harm his civil rights."
"I think every town has a guy like Jim. Or a girl."

"Did you ever try to sell that novel?"
"No, it's still collecting dust. But that agent who lectured at school said she liked it, but she didn't know how to sell it because the only people who buy books now are middle age women in middle America."
"That's not really good for the future of literature. You know, that same agent told me, 'Poetry? Who wants ten percent of nothing.'"

"You still living in San Francisco?"
"Yep."
"I love that place. There's something about it that makes me want to do things I can't do. Last time I was there, I woke up in the morning and thought, I'm going to run across the Golden Gate Bridge. And I don't even run."

"Hey, when it comes to comfortable shoes, I don't fuck around."

"No more garlic bread. We had it last night. I was bleeding this morning, you know."

"That building survived the 1906 quake and the 1989 quake. That's why we should go into it."

"The guy looked totally normal, but it turned out he had this huge online gambling problem. And at my sister's wedding, he went up to his cousin's boyfriend and yelled, 'You think you can fuck my cousin for free!'"
"What does that mean? Is his cousin a hooker?"
"He was drunk. I don't think he was thinking that far ahead. Then, he got some girl pregnant, and they ended up having a wedding, but apparently, it wasn't a real wedding. It was just a ceremony. It wasn't legal. And then he started seeing another girl, so now he lives at home with his mom, the woman he got pregnant and the baby, plus his new girlfriend."
"You know, the sad thing is this isn't the first time I've heard about that kind of living situation."

"Hey, did you get that email about email being down?"
"No, my email is down."

"Dude, we're riding the ferry."
"Yeah, riding it. How do you like riding a ferry?"
"Only if I'm on top."
"Yeah, dude! We're on top of a ferry."
"John, what's your take on riding a ferry?"
"John only rides your mom, dude."
"Yeah, man!"
"This sucks, guys. We should've taken the booze cruise. They don't have any Bud Light."
"What'd they got?"
"I don't know. Some beer for five bucks a can."
"No way, man. That's bullshit. Jason, don't you have another six pack in your bag?"
"Dude, I thought you brought it?"
"Why would I bring it, you fuckin' idiot? You're the one who bought it."
"Yeah, but your bag's bigger than mine."
"Everything I've got is bigger than yours."
"Dudes, this sucks. There's no more beer?"
"Remember all the tit on Catalina? There's no tit here."

"The doctor said I have heart palpitations. I think it's because of my job. I need to go to Vegas and get a new job. Or just go to Vegas and not get a job. I just need to go to Vegas. I need a drink."