"How do you think that thing in New Orleans will affect Monday Night Football?"

"Steve McDairyQueen. Get it? Instead of Steve McQueen."
"That's funny. Ha."

"Are you trying to get out?"
"Yeah, that was the idea. Me walking out the door."

"This go to Berkeley? Anyone? This train to Berkeley?"
"Does this train go to Berkeley? Can someone help this guy?"
"What's he want?"
"Does this train go to Berkeley?"
"How should I know?"
"Does anyone know?"
"No, he wants the Richmond train."
"You want the Richmond train."
"What?"
"Get on the Richmond train."
"What train?"
"Richmond train, you stupid ass!"

"You know, these quotes on Starbucks cups would be far more interesting if they were from prisons or people in mental institutions."
"You should suggest that."

"Last night sucked. I'm watching my neighbors house, and I fed their cat. But it wasn't their cat. I let some stray into their house and fed it."
"How did you know it was a stray?"
"My wife said their cat had a collar. This one didn't, and it clicked with me. So, I went back to their house and chased the damn cat all over until it jumped out the bathroom window. Took me half an hour. I missed The Simpsons."

"I have the dumbest friends. She's looking for guys on J-Date, and she's Catholic."
"What's J-Date?"
"A dating site for Jewish people. Her second husband was Jewish."

"Where's she from?"
"London or Philly. I can't tell."
"She's hot."
"Totally hot. She sent an email out to a bunch of people that said Let's all get fucked up this weekend!"
"That's so hot, man."
"I'm like, my penis has got all the alcohol you need."
"Hey, what's this song?"
"I don't know. It's from the eighties."
"Spot me on squats?"
"Totally."

"I can't wait to get a job and just sit there."

"I went to a high school where most of the kids got Porches on their sixteenth birthday."
"That's just dumb."

"For whatever reason, the Giants are having ethnic nights. I want to get tickets to the Irish night."
"I wonder if there will be German nights."
"No German nights. People saw German nights in the nineteen-thirties."

"Hey, Pete, how are you doing? How was school today? Uh huh. Yeah. You rode your bike today? In the driveway. Sounds like fun. What are you going to do now? Eat cookies. Uh huh. You know what I've been doing at work? Playing computer all day. Yeah. Can you give the phone back to mommy please? No? Yeah we can play computer at home too. Yeah. Okay, please give the phone back to mommy. Bye Pete."

"You should use the pool at the Club One on Fillmore. You won't swim into as many old Chinese ladies just floating around."

"What are you up to tonight?"
"Watching this six-hour documentary on the Nuremburg trials. And eating pesto."
"Can't top that."

"Hey, how was your weekend?"
"I think I'm still hung over."
"Awesome."

"Baxter, come! Baxter! Sorry, I know how you Arab people feel about dogs."

"No, camping is out for me. It makes me think of sodomy and axe murderers."

"Sys admins are like the janitors of the computer world. People only notice what they do is important when they're not around."
"I have a friend in Santa Barbara who's a sys admin. I asked him how he learned to answer so many different computer questions. He winked and opened Google."

"House Blend coffee... Coming from this place, that doesn't sound like a good idea."

"I'm still debating the whole Dr. Pepper for breakfast thing."

"Oh my God. I'm like, so jealous. All she'll do there is wear flip-flops and shop."
"She's worried about which flip-flops to wear."
"I'm like, so jealous. She can buy a gizillion flip-flops there."
"It'll be hot and muggy."
"She'll spend so much money shopping. I wish I was going."

"So how old are you?"
"Guess?"
"Sixty-seven."
"Oh, you're going to make a grown man cry."
"What?"
"Oh, Lord. I'm fifty-six."
"Oh. Sorry."
"It's okay. You didn't know. But stop petting Buster. He's a vicious Labrador that might attack you."

"I was like, Let's just sell the fucking house while we can, and move. She was like, Where are we going to go? I was like, Where all people from California go: Oregon. She was like, There's nothing there. And I was like, There's no traffic and assholes there."
"Dude, there's assholes everywhere."
"But not traffic."

"The pressure to potty-train kids these days is just enormous."

"I accidentally left the Giants tickets in a pair of pants I took to the cleaners, and, of course, they don't know how they magically sprouted legs and walked away."

"You stupid seagull. Fuck you. Yeah, you."

"Sweet cakes. Cakes. Hello? Hello? Cakes? Yeah, it's me. What are you doing? Uh, huh. Uh, huh. That's sweet. Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Oh, that's really sweet. I'll be home soon. Okay. Love you too."

"She gave us the, like, don't look at me."
"Yeah, fuck her and the horse she rode in on."
"And the horse she ate."
"Ha-ha-ha-that's classic. The horse she ate."

"Mr. Tummer. Like as in stomach. No, sorry. Bad example. As in Drummer."

"Hey, Tom. Is the big guy coming in?"
"No, he couldn't make it."
"Right. The big guy's not a fan of working out."
"Well, that's why he's the big guy."

"I want to catch a fish!"
"Me too! Big one!
"I want to catch a seal!"
"Honey, you can't catch a seal."
"Why?"
"You just can't. That's why."

"They laid off a bunch of both of them."

"The guy to the right was in a glider over France during D-Day."
"Really?"
"He got shot up pretty bad during the landing."
"Does he ever talk about what he saw?"
"Naw, everyone knows what he saw was bad. The guy to the left was in the Bataan Death March."
"Jesus."
"For three years, he survived a Japanese POW camp."
"Does he hate the Japanese?"
"I don't think so. He never talks about them. But needless to say, he doesn't like Japanese food."

"Oh, he's as Irish as Patty's pig."

"Silk Coffin, that used to be a good band?"
"No, Soul Coughing."

"I'm so sick of this security badge. Like this thing is going to stop terrorists. Nobody had these stupid things before 9-11. How many terrorists have these badges stopped?"
"Just quit losing it and you'll have nothing to complain about. The receptionist always buzzes you in."

"That's nice. Our great veterans died on the beaches of Normandy so that French tourist could make faces at us through the window, while we eat our breakfast. So nice."

"Hey, that cup of Blue Bottle Coffee was great. But it was $4.50. My lunch only cost $5.00."

"Just tell me what to do! I was robbed, raped, and beaten last night! What do I do!?"
"Be with friends."
"Fuck you!"

"She dumps him. And now she's going with him to Hollywood. And she's paying for it. I think she's going to try and kill him."

"No, listen to me. You will give me my money. Yes you will. You will give me my money tomorrow. Oh, yeah? Tomorrow. I will have my money in my hand. No, you don't want to know what I'll do. No, you don't. Tomorrow you will give me my money. Listen, you..."

"Okay, we're a democratic family. We'll vote. Who wants to go the art museum? Okay, who wants to go to Chinatown?"
"Yeah! Firecrackers! Chinatown, yeah!"
"Oh, come on. Dad, I'm tired of firecrackers."
"Firecrackers, yeah! All right, Dad! Firecrackers!"

"WHOOSH!"
"Hey, you're a guest in this country. Don't you scare our seagulls."

"It's 'cuz she's fine. And she know dat. I tell her dat. She can do whatever the goddamn hell she want, 'cuz she fine."

"No, that's my secondary Buddha."
"Karma's confusing."