"We called it Nicky-Nicky nine doors in Canada."
"Wierd. Here in California we called it ding-dong ditching. Hey, Catherine. What'd they call in in Newfoundland?"
"Ringer-runner."
"In Ohio, it wasn't so nice sounding."
"Really, what'd you call it."
"I can't say it here. It was a bad word."
"Bad word?"
"The N word."
"The N word?"
"N-knocking."
"Wow, that is bad. You'd get killed here in California for saying that."
"I don't know why they called it that back home, but they did."

"I believe that's mine."
"I was just trying to call you on it. I tried what was called your work number on it. I looked for you, to tell you about your phone, but you were gone from the bench. You know?"
"Thanks. I wish there was something I could give you. Do you like raspberries?"
"No, but do you have any recyclables?"
"No, I don't have anything on me. Wait, here's a five."
"Thanks, man. Thanks a lot."
"Thank you."

"Yeah, the non-trendy is now trendy."

"White leather on a guy, it's like, well, you know."
"You've got to get it at the Harley shop."

"Hey, I heard Alan bombed."
"He did okay."
"I heard he kept checking out the chest on the woman he was training."

"Holy shit, that's his girlfriend? That must have been done in PhotoShop."
"No, that's her. I knew she was big, but I didn't think she was that big."

"Jocelyn Elders was the speaker at my brother's graduation."
"Who's that?"
"She was one of the Surgeon Generals under Clinton. She had to resign because she advocated masturbation."
"That's not a bad thing to advocate."
"I also think she had to resign because she just had no tact. Like at the graduation, she told everyone to use condoms because they don't break as easily as abstinence. You just don't say that kind of shit to a bunch of parents watching their kids leave school."

"My ideal store: Caffeine International."

"She ain't got no genetic problem. She eats what she wants to eat. That's called a fat problem. That's why she's so fat."
"That's so cold."
"That ain't cold. You've seen what she shovels into her mouth. Feed a whole country on that diet. I ain't got no sympathy for her eating like fat people."

"I had this dream where I broke up with my boyfriend. Then, my roommate's boyfriend snuck into the house to kill her, but I threw all of the kitchen knives out of the window. What do you think it means? I love my boyfriend."
"You're thinking too much about your job."

"Hurry up, you Nazi."
"My people prefer the term racially intolerant."

"Goddamn it! Am I the only fucker who dressed up?"
"Looks like Darth Maul is not pleased with our level of enthusiasm."

"Remember the day robbers got into the house and the dog met us at the front door with the hamster in his mouth? Jeff was so upset."

"Excuse me, when is the stop..."
"Listen, lady. This is the second time you've asked me, and I already told you I'd let you know when we're at your stop."
"I'm sorry, but I've only asked you once."
"And if you ask me five times, you're still going to get the same answer from me. I'll let you know when we're at your stop."
"Why thank you..."
"Don't mention it."

"What, I only trip on Sunday nights."
"Yeah, but you have to go into the office on Monday. And you don't get to bed until 4:00 AM."
"Once a week isn't that bad."
"Yeah, but you do it all throughout the weekend too."
"But it's the weekend. And I only did it that Thursday because the guy online was an underwear model. You should see the pictures he sent me."
"No thanks."
"But I had to stay up to drive to Hayward because he didn't have a car. He couldn't get out here. And he looks so good in his underwear. You really should see the pictures."
"I don't know what to say."
"Just see the pictures."

"Yeah, you like that one, huh? I'm like a literary Green Beret. You don't even know I'm there when the genius of the literary reference hits you."

"holistic shoe development? How does one develop shoes holistically?"
"The sale bin at Big 5, that's how."
"No, that's buying shoes holistically."
"Whatever that company is, they sound holistically stupid."

"I don't get it. I've been with a therapist for seven years, sober for twelve, I'm on anti-depressants, and everything still feels wrong. When does life start getting better?"

"I gave up everything for you! I gave up my job! I dropped out! My mom won't talk to me no more! How can you do this to me?"
"Stupid bitch."

"Don't you touch me."
"What? I didn't touch you."
"Just 'cause I'm black, doesn't mean you can touch me."
"What? Get a life. I didn't touch you."
"Drop dead."

"Hey, I saw some little kid wearing a Star Wars shirt. He even had Star Wars buttons pinned on to his baseball hat."
"Was he getting in line?"
"No, he looked sad. I don't think he got a ticket."
"You should go find him and wave your ticket in his face."

"That idiot couldn't even make a salad. Ah, do I put the dressing or the lettuce on the plate first?"

"Isn't it cool that the company is taking us to see the new Star Wars?"
"Fuck that. The last two movies were so bad I'd rather work."

"I mean I like Kashi cereals and all, but what's up with their marketing?"
"You know, my dad mentioned that to me. He said why would a bran cereal be called Good Friends and have pictures of black, white, and Asian people eating raisin bran together. He's not opposed to the idea, he just didn't understand how peace, love, and unity occurs with a high fiber cereal."
"I'd think there'd be race wars over the bathroom."
"I'm being partly serious. Like how many good friends do you eat bran with?"

"So this guy Clint tells me at the meeting..."
"Clit? That must suck for a guy."
"No, Clint. His name is Clint."

"Senior discount?"
"Sorry."
"Volume discount? Local discount?"
"Gay discount?"
"Speak for yourself, sister."

"Tickets? You need tickets?"
"How much are you selling them for?"
"How much you got?"
"Not much. I haven't gone to the ATM yet."
"Just how much you got, man?"
"Only, like, twelve bucks."
"Twelve bucks? Sonny Rollins for twelve bucks? Man, get the fuck out of here. Twelve bucks..."

"The Bay to Breakers was ruined by all those naked straight people running. Straight people should really keep their clothes on."
"I don't know. Some of our brethren were looking a little lumpy around the edges, too."

"Hey, you. Can I ask you a question."
"Okay."
"No, forget it man. I've seen you around before. That's right. I've seen you."
"He's seen you before? This is the first time we've been to this fucking city. What is it with this place?"

"Wilson baked a cake and brought it over in plastic container, which he decorated. You know, I'm gay, but I'm not that gay."

"Meeting's canceled."
"Awesome."
"Yeah, it's about time to cut out anyway."
"Really, do we get to leave early today?"
"Well, both of our supervisors are gone, so I don't see why not. Unless you have something really pressing to take care of. But, you know, you can probably just surf the Internet from home."

"So you bought a house here?"
"Yup."
"And you're not a citizen?"
"Nope. The only citizenship you need here is the dollar."

"3:30? What the...how does the day start, and then just disappear?"
"It's called working for The Man, my friend."

"The older I get, the dumber I get. I swear to God."
"Hey, I don't like to hear blasphemy in the office."

"Candy!"
"I won't eat your candy. Now be a big boy and go pee in the restroom."
"Candy!"
"I'm not going to eat it."

"Hey, lady, stop. You trying to cool that off?"
"What?"
"The coffee cup on top of your car."
"Oh, good grief. Thank you."

"I went to a Raiders game with a Vikings jersey on once."
"Wow, that's asking for it."
"It was fine until three obnoxious women with Viking jerseys sat next to me. Some guy even told me to get my women under control. I told him they weren't my women. But I was flattered that someone could think I could get three women under control."

"When I was in school, manipulating test scores was called cheating."

"Hey, is Mitch coming to the meeting?"
"No, I don't think he's done screaming at that guy on the phone."
"What's he screaming about?"
"I can't really tell. But he's saying fuck a lot."

"I don't know. I must've been on crack when I emailed that."
"Come on, you're not on crack."
"It's just an expression."
"People on crack know if they're on crack. I don't think that's funny."

"Hey, my computer won't work."
"You don't need it. Throw it away."

"Hey, come here. Come here, pretty boy. Come here. Come on. Come here, pretty boy."
"I'm not gay."
"Huh? Everyone's gay."

"A girl next to me on the bus threw up this morning."
"Ooooh."
"I could see it coming. She didn't look well when she got on. Bet that hasn't happened to you."
"No, luckily."
"At least she was quiet. She stepped over to the door before opening her mouth."

"She's eating again. Only small amounts, though. See pees protein right out of her. Seven grams of protein per pee."

"Did Hitler have one testicle?"
"I don't know."

"I'm open over here. Hey, that doesn't mean you can move my sign..."
"Sorry, just thought I'd help."
"Well, you ain't helping. You don't know where the sign goes, do you?"
"No."
"See. Right over here."

"In late?"
"Some stupid kid on MUNI got his baggy pants caught in the door. Threw the whole system out of whack."

"Doctor told me to keep my arm elevated. I can't even fuckin' raise it. Fuckin' idiot."