"I'm sick of this bullshit, Tony. Totally sick of it."
"Yeah, sure."
"I'm serious, dude. I'm going to be something. I mean really be something."

"Look at that license plate holder: two rags and one face granny. What does that even mean?"
"Alzheimer's."

"It all comes down to this: housing costs. "
"That's all?"
"That's all."

"Smack down: who do you place your money on? Henry Rollins or Glen Danzig?"
"Tie."
"Tie? There's no tie."
"What era? 1980's Rollins, 1990's Rollins, or now? And Misfits' Danzig or Samhain Danzig?"
"Dude, it's not that complicated. Shit."

"Man, look how fuckin' fat that kids is."
"What kind of parents allow that kind of shit? That's child abuse."
"Look, his waist is twice the size of yours. And what is he, eight?"
"Kids must kick the shit out of him at school."
"We should kick the shit out of his parents."
"They here?"

"Dad, you're killing me!"
"Keep going, come on. Move those legs."
"I can't do this forever, it hurts."
"You want to be fat forever?"
"Dad!"
"Come on, what's ten more minutes?"
"My legs hurt a lot. I can't feel them."
"Good, that means your butt's getting smaller."

"It's not like I'm dumb, you know. I just don't like school."
"You're not dumb."
"I know, studying is not my thing. When I get home, I like to chill, watch TV."
"There's nothing wrong with relaxing."
"I know, people have got to relax."

"Come on, San Francisco is to New York like Orange County is to Los Angeles..."

"Hey, how was your Thanksgiving?"
"Fun but stressful."
"That's too bad."
"It's typical, really. Emily's parents were in town, and my parents were in town. And they fought over their grandson like he was a precious resource. He made off with a good chunk of change. He's learned early that grandparents are the Federal Reserve without interest rates."

"What are you doing?"
"Making fun of people."
"Spreading the hate?"
"Always spreading the hate."

"Hi, how you doing?"
"Good."
"From out of town?"
"Yes."
"I've got some time. I could show you around."
"No thanks."
"Come on. You haven't seen 'Frisco until you've seen it with me."
"That's kind, but no thanks."
"I'll show you things they don't put in tourist books."
"No thanks."
"You're cute, but, damn, you've got attitude."

"Man, who that white boy think he is? I own this sidewalk. I'll shank his ass."

"This Thanksgiving's going to suck."
"Home stuff?"
"Kind of. My uncle just told everyone he's a recovering alcoholic. So, no beer."
"How boring. My family gets bombed every Thanksgiving. It's like our tradition. My mom just gets louder and louder and louder. More turkey, more wine, more noise. Louder and louder and louder. She got so loud last year that we had to put the dog out because it hurt his ears."

"One hundred and seven dollars for pants! They're not even sized. They only come in small, medium, and large. For that much money, these lounge pants better make me feel like I'm in Hawaii just by looking at them."

"He's racked up nineteen parking tickets. Refuses to pay them. Says it's political persecution. A tax, not a ticket. Says we're all political prisoners. Says the American revolution started this way."
"He should pay them."
"Civil disobedience, man."

"No, I'm not eating out at the piers again. I'm sick of hearing Buddy Holly. Old, young, Chinese, black--always with the oldies station on the radio. The guys fishing out there never listen to anything else."

"It's so good to get out to the city."
"It sure is. Say, did you get that washer-dryer?"
"Oh, it's wonderful. I got the vertical set."
"Did you?"
"And it's so wonderful."
"You must have so much more space out in the garage."
"I did until Bill moved in his motorcycle equipment."
"He didn't?"
"He did."

"How's she doing?"
"Terrible, just terrible. Her step children are incorrigible. You wouldn't believe what they do. The oldest one calls her cunt."
"Oh my God..."
"Can you imagine?"
"I should give her a call."
"Well, hold off for a while. They're in the process of enrolling her in a boarding school in Montana. Then there's the youngest one, and I don't know what they're going to do with him. He gets in on the Internet and chats with pedophiles. He actually emails those creeps their home phone number.
"Oh my God..."
"She's going to have a nervous breakdown, I'm telling you."
"I should really give her a call."

"It was the craziest thing. He just groaned and fell right into the urinal. The entire front of his suit was soaked."
"Did you laugh?"
"Are you kidding? I like my job."

"But people in other countries have a shared culture. They have a shared language, mannerisms, music, history, you know. What do our kids share? Video games? Malls? Some heritage."
"It's better than The Holocaust."
"Give it time."
"Please."

"I feel so sorry for the needy."
"Yeah, I saw that guy with one leg trying to crap in the park again."

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. How about y'all contributing to the United Negro Pizza Fund tonight? You know it'll be your good deed of the day. Come on, now. Make a brother smile."

"Makes you wonder when my ship's going to come in."
"Don't worry, it won't."

"I beat you up the hill!"
"That's right, you're better than me. You're cool, I'm not. You're smart, I'm dumb. I'm short, you're tall."
"Yeah, pretty much."

"Today is November seventeenth. Everyone, today is November seventeenth. Today is November seventeenth."
"We hear you."
"Hear it again. Today is November seventeenth. I said today is November seventeenth. Remember that today is November seventeenth. Today is..."

"Yo, I'm the bank robber of booty y'all. Watch that ass."

"Okay. Hey, move. Move over. Can't you see I'm in a wheelchair? Coming through. Okay, listen up, people. Can somebody give me some money? Look at me, I'm in a wheelchair. Anything would help. Quarter? Come on. Somebody give me a quarter. Look at me, people. I'm in a wheelchair. Come on. Don't be stingy. Give me some money. Come on, you there. Quarter."
"Sorry."
"Come on, just a quarter. How about you? Hey, I'm talking to you. Quarter."

"Hey, don't use the dryers over there. Someone's been pissing in them again."

"Everyone's so pretty. So much prettier than me. Ha ha! I'm so ugly. Ugly, ugly, ugly. Look how pretty they all are. Ha ha! All their pretty smiles. Pretty bodies. Ugly, ugly, ugly. That's me. Ha ha! Ugly. Pretty without me. Without me in the world, prettier. Ha ha! Ugly, fat, me. Pretty, pretty, pretty. Ha ha!"

"See my wallet process?"
"Your what?"
"The process of my wallet. See, I've got my fives here, my tens over here, and my twenties in this other bill fold. I can easily see and access a specific dollar type from my wallet."
"Jesus, Karl. You've got to get out of accounting."

"Riverbamba? What is that, like Riverdance? It sounds like an Irish-Mexican restaurant. Who needs that?"

"Don't eat the sushi if you can't see the ocean."

"Quick, we've got to get back to the office."
"What for?"
"The verdict for the Scott Peterson case is going to be announced in fifteen minutes."
"The what?"
"Are you kidding me? You know, the Peterson case?"
"I don't know."
"His pregnant wife killed? Ring a bell?"
"No."
"Don't you have a TV?"
"No, I'm Irish."

"Look at that. What is she wearing, a sausage casing? Don't the tourists look at The Weather Channel before coming here?"

"Next question, yes?"
"Okay, so let's say you work at a restaurant where the owners are a bunch of assholes. I mean, they don't pay raises, they don't give good time off, you know. They keep giving cooks more stuff to do. What do you recommend?"
"You mean the owners are telling you times are tough, they can't give raises, but then pull up in a new car and say, 'Hey, look at my new Lotus?'"
"Yeah, what do you recommend?"
"What do I recommend? Welcome to the real world, pal. Until you own your own restaurant, salute, stand up, and bend over. Maybe you and that guy in the back should open up a restaurant called The Dumb Mother Fuckers. And make sure you sell raw foods."

"Nothing's worth killing for, huh? Okay, so your wife and kids..."
"Hey, that's a whole different thing if..."
"Jackass."
"What?"
"You're a jackass."

"This rain gets me so wet."

"It says it right there in The Bible. I don't understand how people can't understand it."
"Scientists have their own religion, you know. It's called science."
"And they think our religion is wrong. Remember cold fusion?"

"You think your shit don't stink?"
"My shit stink, but my kid's don't."

"Wheat bread? What the hell kind of BBQ place uses wheat bread? No way. We're going somewhere else."
"They say no one wants white bread anymore."
"What? This goddamn city..."

"You know, we're just going to have to wait outside."
"Shut up. Waiting is better than working."

"I'm going to the men's room now. Sorry, no peep show for you."

"I'm so goddamn sick of trees. The leaves just get everywhere."
"You won't have to worry about it in four years."

"Downtown is smelling more and more like shit."

"So we fly all the way to Manhattan, and at the last minute, Bill's dad says we can't stay with them."
"Why? What was his reason?"
"One of our kids was sniffling, and Bill's dad, being a hypochondriac, said there's no way he was going to die of the flu because one of his grandkids had a runny nose. We said Jackson only had allergies, but he wouldn't listen. He said he didn't have faith in allergies, only the flu."

"You've got a short kid, there."
"Yeah."
"Looks like he needs one of those special pillows."
"No, doctor says helmet."

"My God, this gingerbread latte is so, so good."
"Oh, it is amazing. We've got to tell the girls about this."
"My God, they're going to start drinking these instead of coffee."
"I bet there's a lot of carbs in these beauties. I wonder if Atkins has anything on these."
"My God, don't tell me if he does. That man has ruined every single decent thing about eating."

"BART's clutch smells like it's burning."
"BART doesn't have a clutch."
"How do you know?"
"Everyone knows. It's fuel injected."

"Do you have something I can suck on? My throat's sore, and I could really use something hard to suck on. No, no, chocolate won't do me any good, I definitely need something hard."

"My husband's seven closest friends are women. He has only one close guy friend. Four out of the seven women have boyfriends or husbands. Three don't. Sometimes, I wonder if I should be worried."
"If I were you, I'd start carrying the divorce papers in your purse."

"When Mimi died, I was devastated. I think the only thing that pulled me through that dark time was the website I created in her honor. And, all the poetry I wrote to her in the afterlife."
"Cats are family."

"I mean, it's like, his whole speech problem, kind of like, stopped being funny, like, four years ago. And now, it's like, four more years of it. What the hell?"

"Tomorrow, I'm driving home to Ohio to kick the shit out of my brother...."

"It'll be interesting to see if suicides go up in the blue states."

"This is bullshit. California needs to be its own country."
"Dude, we don't have an army."
"We have Schwarzenegger. You've seen Commando."
"Only the Terminator could do it."
"But that shit's fake."

"Hey, sir. Is that your dog?"
"Sure is."
"Well, we can't have dogs in the polling area."
"No problem, I'll lead him out... But he'd probably cast a smarter ballot then most people."

"Think of all the people in the world that would kill to fill out that ballot."
"But there's so much stuff to read."

"Your Porsche got broken in to?"
"Yeah, in Oakland. I think I forgot to lock it."
"What were you doing with a Porsche in Oakland?"
"I live there."
"They get your stereo?"
"No, but my bowie knife."
"Bowie knife? What were you doing with a bowie knife?"
"I live in Oakland."

"Corn hole? No, that's new to me. What is it? A hole in corn? Sounds like something you eat at a church social."