"Your desk looks okay, but you need to fag it up."

"Nothing says vanilla sex like a guy wearing Dockers."

"Hey, if you see Marco at the meeting, tell him we need him up here."
"I'm not going to the meeting. I'm just going to the bathroom."
"Tell Jason that we solved the tab problem. He'd like to know that."
"I'm just going to the bathroom."
"Oh. If he's in the bathroom, tell him."

"Yeah, you laugh, but when I get laid off--just like everyone else--I'm going to start my own company: DouchebagDriver.com. It'll be a place where people can post pictures with license plate numbers of cars that have cut them off. Maybe it'll be synced to Google Maps or something. It'll mostly be a site for cyclists because we're the ones most affected by douche bag drivers."
"No you're not. I'm cut off on the freeway all the time."
"You'd look good in a DouchebagDriver.com tee-shirt."

"Tonya doesn't think lettuce is good for you."
"It's hella good for you."
"I said it wasn't nutritious."
"It's in salad and shit. It's gotta be good for you."
"It's just a plant with water in it."
"It's on burgers and shit too."
"So."
"You don't know shit, Tonya. You're hella stupid."

"Bless you."
"Thanks. Ah, my nose. It's like, I want to sneeze, but I can't."
"Try."
"Ah, ah. I can't. Ah, it's like, why can't I just sneeze?"
"Count to ten."
"What?"
"Count."
"Why? Ah, ah. I can't live this way."

"And he says to me, 'I'm not a medicine man, I'm a fucking surgeon, asshole.'"

"I hope his new assistant can at least fit all the jelly beans into the jar... I mean, Jesus Christ. Sharon was such a fuck up."

"People might think it's unconventional for me to believe in fairies and leprechauns, but that's where my religion requires an element of faith."

"So, how do you train for a fifty-mile run?"
"You just fucking run, baby!"

"No, honey, I took the train. How could I have the car? Well, I don't know. Do you have the car? No, I'm not being coy. I don't know where it is. You took it for errands. No, why would I think you stole your own car? Listen, I'm going into a meeting. No, no. Of course I still love you. But this is challenging."

"I think I'm going to name my band Three Pound Penis."
"Why not five pounds?"
"Yeah, maybe it should be five pounds."

"I told her, 'You've got to let me see your tits before I get married tomorrow. I don't care if you're my wife's best friend.'"

"Hey, you, don't touch my dog! She's in heat."