"Can you shoot this guy an email? Better yet, can you just shoot this guy?"

"How was you your Thanksgiving?"
"Okay. I took my grandma to Knott's Berry Farm."
"What's that?"
"It's like a ghetto Disneyland. But they have good roller coasters. Grandma loves the roller coasters."
"Really?"
"Oh, you can't get her off those things. And since she has a cane, we got to go straight to the front of the lines. Grandma even bought pictures of us on the roller coasters."
"Aren't those expensive?"
"No, only about sixteen dollars a pop. She says she wants us to remember how she really was after she dies."
"Did Dan go on the roller coasters?"
"Are you kidding me? He won't even ride a bike."

"Okay, everybody. I want to go around the table, and have each one of you say what you're grateful for."
"Can we say what we're not grateful for?"

"My grandpa smells like port and cinnamon sticks."

"I don't care if it's one of the best restaurants in the city. They didn't have fries."

"Wang Chang Dang is here, all! Come hang with Wang Chang Dang. Get him a beer. And Shut up."

"It's weird there's a salad named after Caesar. There's no Hitler salad."

"Do you play with infants when drunk?"
"No. But you don't really play with infants. I mean, there's peek-a-boo, and you can throw them up in the air, but that's about all. I can barely do that sober."

"Hey, John. Is that a scarf?"
"No, sweater."
"Weren't you wearing a scarf last week?"
"Yeah, John's been dressing up for fall, ain't that right, John?"
"Well, you know."
"Your wife dressing you? I mean, a scarf?"
"Hey, it's winter. It's cold out there."
"It's never so cold that you have to wear a scarf. I mean, a scarf?"
"Quit messing with John. You're just jealous because he knows how to dress for a season, and you bozos can't even figure out how to put on a pair of socks."

"Why is there a pubic hair on my desk? It's not even on of my pubes. What the hell?"

"Oh, come on. You've got to have a piece of this pecan pie."
"No, it's not healthy."
"What do you mean it's not healthy? It's got nuts in it. And look at this whip cream over here. Whip cream is brain food."

"Hey, Honey, they've got the egg nog out already."
"Ah, my favorite. I can't wait to nog it."

"Oh, come on. I don't want to email him."
"Just do it."
"Man..."
"What's the big deal, it's easy."
"I just don't want to."
"Where you from, again?"
"Watsonville, why?"
"Watsonville must be home of the lazy mother fucker, that's why."

"If we don't get that raspberry-applesauce from Trader Joe's, we're going to have one cranky baby in the morning. So God help us."

"What's that?"
"Gum. Want some?"
"What is it, Trident? No thanks. It has xylitol in it, and for some reason, every time I have xylitol, I get a retching case of diarrhea. I can handle most sugar substitutes, but give me xylitol, and I'm off to the moon."

"Stop it, Margret. You've had too much candy. Darren! Enough! Do you want quiet time?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, you do, do you? We'll go home right now. I mean it. Ten minute time out, right now. Both of you. Darren! Away from the dog. Away!"