"There were so few black people around me as a kid, that when I saw Return of the Jedi, I thought Lando Calrissian was the same guy as Lionel Ritchie."

"Hey, how's your Indian food?"
"It's super good."
"It smells like cat food."
"Sorry."
"Hey, did you know my mom volunteers at a hospital in the South Bay, and she says that they're building a special wing in the hospital just for Indian people and their heart problems."
"What does that mean?"
"Indian people eat so much butter that it gives them special heart problems."
"You mean, special as in they die?"

"Oh my God. Today has been, like, so crazy. I have to train, like, this one group tomorrow morning at, like, eight. And then, like, I have to train another group at, like, two. It's, like, so crazy. Everything at work is just, like, so crazy right now. Some of the brokers are, like, going to Petaluma for some other, like, training. And then, like, on Friday, I have to go up there too. Oh my God. No, like, I've never been there. I know. It's, like, crazy for us to have to, like, drive there. Oh my God. Tell me. He said, like, what to you?"

"I felt so embarrassed going to my yoga class with beer stains on my pants."

"What'd you want to do for lunch?"
"I don't know. Hamas."
"You mean hummus, you idiot?"

"Hey, did you try this broccoli-cheddar soup? It's so good and it's low fat. They don't put any cream in--oh, shit. Jesus Christ."
"What?"
"I just spilled it."

"Ever since I got the new underwear, I haven't been wearing the old ones."

"Hey, I haven't had hard boiled eggs in a long, long time. I need to get me some of those this weekend. When I was a kid, I used to just sit and eat a bowl full of them. I really like a good hard boiled egg. Maybe I'll get me an egg salad sandwich at lunch. I'm already looking forward to it."

"Oh, don't eat that. What's she eating?"
"Dates or trail mix. She should be fine."
"No one told me babies would eat anything. They're like dogs."
"Be thankful she's not eating dirt or poop."

"Daddy."
"No, I'm not your daddy. I'm Pete's daddy."
"Daddy."
"No, I don't look anything like your daddy."
"Daddy."
"Okay, it's time to take the kid out of here and go have some adventures. Go see the Golden Gate Bridge or something."

"There doctor tells me I have to come back for an MRI. I was like, isn't the thing upstairs? Why do I have to come back? He says I have to make an appointment. An appointment... All they have to do is slide me into the thing and take the X-ray. I don't have time to come back for that crap. If they tell me I have to get surgery, they're just going to have to wait."

"If Grandpa acts up, put him back in his wheelchair."

"So the guy quits because our company wouldn't add some eastern religious workout room."

"Hi, Sir. Do you want to help save the environment today?"
"No, thanks. We're pretty much doomed."

"He's really into lizards. He's like a compulsive lizard buyer. Basically, he's addicted to lizards."

"How do you get to work?"
"I try to take the ferry. But the bus is faster."
"Yeah, I bet my car is faster than the ferry and the bus."

"Hey, you can't do that here."
"Just...let...me...smoke...my...marijunana...asshole."

"Is she single?"
"Yeah, but she's been on Craigslist to meet someone. But she's only looking for a pagan man, of course. Plus, she's had to move from Fremont to Gilroy because Fremont is passing a law on the number of animals you can have in one house."

"Hey, don't put that on your pants. It's bad for the environment."
"What? I don't care. This ketchup stain is bad for my environment."

"My vagina hurts."
"Okay, honey. Let's go check it out in the bathroom."