"It's bath time, stinky guy."
"No, I don't want to."
"You need a bath."
"Why?"
"Because if you smell, people will think we're poor."

"If you had a billion pounds of peanut butter, and a year of lightening hitting it, you'd probably get some kind of life form."

"A cigarette after yoga. Awesome."

"Hey, you guys. Stop it. Give me my back-pack. Come on. Hey. I hate you."

"How much you think this wheelchair cost?"
"I don't know. Five?"
"Six-thousand."
"That's a sweet ride. Where'd you get six-thousand?"
"I ain't had six-thousand. Hospital just gave it to me."

"Come on, get that puke out. Come on, baby. Get that throw up out of you. Shit, here comes the bus. Get it all out before the bus gets here. Shit, you wouldn't be puking if your momma wasn't such a stupid ass, feeding you Kool-Aid. Grape Kool-Aid for a nine month old. What a stupid ass."

"He didn't love me 'till I got pregnant."

"Someone needs to put up a My Neighbor's an Asshole site. That way, home buyers can know what they're getting into before they buy a place."
"Hey, maybe that can be linked up with Google Maps so people know where all the assholes live."

"Make the bad noises go away."
"It's the city, honey. There's nothing but bad noises."

"All these meetings bring the hurt."

"Oh, if you buy all your stock options up front, hold them, and sell them, the IRS is so going to give it to you in the pooper."

"She's all up in that I'm-upset-thing again."

"It's Monday, and I'm already tired of meetings."

"Fly. Come on, fly. Just go another two inches and you're out the window. Come on. You can do it. Oh, Jesus. Stupid-ass fly."

"Fuck this, fuck that. Jew in the hole. French-fry vacuum. Books. Fuckin' books."
"Sir, are you okay?"
"Fuck the police."
"Alright, that's enough out of you."
"Jew in the hole."
"Let's go."
"Pussy jump-rope."

"The Day Email Stopped. Can you imagine?"

"Is my dress too short? I always wear pants."
"No, it's as short as that woman's."
"Oh my God. I need to go home and change."

"Forget it. Don't listen to me today. It's I'm a Retard Day."
"Sounds like a national holiday."

"I wanna be that chick's monkey."

"Jesus almost drowned in our pool."

"You know you're in the wrong part of town when you see a half naked man."

"My feet never touch the floor."
"Really?"
"No way. Even around the house, I'm in slippers."
"Me too."
"Right out of the shower, my feet are in slippers. I don't like the feel of the floor on my feet."
"Tell me about it."
"My husband walks around the garage floor in his bare feet, and I tell him that's disgusting. Imagine all the motor oil and whatnot all over your feet?"
"Does he track it into the house? My husband tracks it all over the house."
"On the carpet?"
"Especially on the carpet."
"Men are such bozos."

"I'm going to get me a piece of Jason."

"Oh yeah? Let me tell you about testosterone."

"I thought all white people were Irish."

"The problem I have with Red Lobster is the same problem I have with the Olive Garden. There's always a horribly ridiculous line for food that's just not that good. Susan and I waited ten minutes on Sunday afternoon to eat a bunch of fried seafood that wasn't even fried right."

"Don't mention the movie Das Boot to Ray."
"Why?"
"He goes crazy."
"Why? What for?"
"I don't know. Just don't mention it."

"Daddy, it says no dogs in here."
"It's okay. We need to clean Bunky."
"But it says no dogs."
"Honey, it's okay. I'm the daddy."
"You're going to get in trouble."

"What's going on out there?"
"Looks like there's a marching band for no damn reason."