"Hey, it's me. Yeah, I'm coming home. Yeah, of course I'm drunk. What do you want for breakfast? You want some eggs from the store?"

"Justin. Into the car. Now."
"Daddy!"
"Now."
"Daddy!"
"Daddy's had enough."

"There's more dogs in that neighborhood than people. That place is wild. It's like the wilderness or something. I tell ya, I saw these two people walking there dogs, and the two things just tore into each other. The owners did nothing. Just stood there while the dogs clamped down on each other. At one point, one of the dogs grabbed the other by the neck, tossed it up into the air, and caught it in its mouth and just started shaking the Jesus right out of it. That's when one of the owners finally had enough. He began kicking the other dog, and let me tell you, the other owner wasn't too happy about that."
"What the owner do?"
"Oh, nothing. I mean, some words were exchanged, but everything went back to normal pretty fast."

"Let me an' my baby in, you nigga bitch."
"What did you... I can't believe..."
"Gets out our way. We's got shit to do."
"You ignorant woman!"

"I don't want to hear anymore of this gay Jewish bullshit."

"Ah, unhandled exception. My favorite computer error."

"He said he spent the week off, staying up 'till three-thirty watching reruns of WQRP in Cincinnati."

"Where are we going for lunch?"
"I don't know. Oasis Grill?"
"No, fuck that place. Every time I ask them to make my Mediterranean wrap hot, they put like a dab of sauce on it."
"You got to ask for extra-spicy."
"No, man. Fuck that. When someone says spicy, it should just be spicy."
"I think they look at you and try to figure out if you can take spicy or not."
"What does that mean?"
"Just what I said."
"Are you saying I don't look like I can take spicy?"
"I am saying that you are white and look spice-challenged."
"What? What the fuck?"
"I'm Indian. They look at me and know they can never put enough spice on. We Indians got the spice."

"Dick cats."

"Your first response to everything is negative."
"No it's not."
"See."

"This hot chocolate says add water."
"No way. Add milk."
"You know, you can melt some vanilla ice cream in the microwave, and then add the hot chocolate to that."
"That's just out of control. You might was well microwave a Dove Bar in a cup."

"I like you."
"Thanks."
"I like you. You like popcorn? I like popcorn."

"What does Lucy want for Christmas this year?"
"She said she wants Baby Alive and a dog that does stuff."

"Like we Californians should feel guilty that you people deal with snow and crappy weather. Personally, I think you're all a bunch of dumb shits for living elsewhere."

"He's eighty-six and survived Hitler's war. I figure if he still wants to get up and go to work in the morning, then let him be. He's still alive so he's doing something right."

"Hey, sit here."
"No, I'm fine over here."
"What, you're embarrassed to sit with your mother? You don't know any of these people."
"No, I'm already sitting. That's all."
"Whatever."

"I think I'm going to change up my style for the ladies."
"Yeah, what's that?"
"To pre-classical Maya."
"In the house."

"Chinese chocolate is very famous."

"It's easy to shop for my Dad. He's a carpenter. I just need to by him some tool and he's happy."
"That's funny. My dad is a tool."
"That's mean."

"No way. You're going to hit so much traffic. He can get a flight out of Santa Barbara. United flies there to SFO. He can get a big screen TV anywhere, for God's sake. It's not your fault he forgot about Christmas."

"Yeah, Terry Fox's Marathon of Hope was pretty cool. Having one leg and fighting cancer and all. But I think it's time for the Marathon of Fuck You. We need someone to run across America telling everyone how fuckin' fat, lazy, stupid, and irresponsible everyone is. It needs attention, man."

"Bruce Lee is a quarter Irish."
"Where do you learn that shit?"
"I don't know. I went to an all boys school."

"He's just got an attitude of platitude."

"Oh, you fixed the toilet? You rock."

"It doesn't matter. It's a marketing announcement. That doesn't mean it's reality."

"I just told him Santa might not show up, and, boy, he stopped crying real fast."

"Do you believe you can make a decision on motor vehicle laws based on the facts of the case, not based on whether you agree with the motor vehicle law?"
"No way. I don't get why we have to pay tickets. I mean, we have to pay for a stupid driver's license. Everyone should just drive."

"Can you objectively listen to what a police officer says?"
"What does that mean?"
"Do you think you can listen to what a police officer says, without judging what he says because he is a police officer?"
"If he's not getting all up in my face and being an asshole, sure."
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear the last part."
"Yeah, sure."

"You are not paid for your first day of jury service..."
"--What!? That's bullshit!"
"Sir..."
"How's a guy to pay the rent!"

"She had it, huh? Two hours to push it. Well, she's lucky there wasn't a C-section. What did they name it? Oscar. That's terrible."

"You never had a Funyon?"
"No."
"What's the matter with you? When I was in college, we'd eat bags of Funyons and drink pots of Uban coffee."

"Daddy, did you know that clouds make rain?"
"Yes."
"Did you know that dogs don't sweat?"
"Yes, honey."
"Did you know that..."
"-Yes."

"Hey, we don't use that word around here."