"Hey, salmon jerky."
"That's disgusting. I'm not eating some dried up old fish."
"Nobody said you had to eat it. I'm going to eat it."

"How was your weekend?"
"Boning."

"You want something to eat."
"Yeah. A something something. You know?"
"How about some dim sum something?"
"Dim something something. Hell yeah. Barbeque pork bun in da house."
"Is this, like, racist?"
"What? Man, what're you talking about?"
"You know, all this dim sum something. People get offended."
"You've lived here too long. Back in Florida, man, they don't even know what dim sum is. But the definitely know in da house. You just need to chill."

"You bosa nova me."

"Okay, this is turning into an A and B conversation. And I'm going to C my way out of it."

"I should've never gone out with him. I didn't find out until later he was a Capricorn."
"Capricorns are fuckers."

"Ugly, scabby, nappy, and happy. The way I like 'em."

"The name's Dooley. Used to drive from San Predro to the airport. But there was so much god damn fog. Couldn't see shit. Couldn't see the god damn airport. Not at all. God damn. Lots of fog. Couldn't see shit. Couldn't see shit at all. God damn."

"Dad, do you need a hug?"
"Sure, thanks buddy."
"How nice."
"Trust me, lady. This doesn't happen everyday."

"The doorknob is sticky again."
"That's the best."

"Another homeless guy with one of those joker hats. Where do they all get those things?"
"They were big with ravers back in the nineties."
"I don't think I've ever seen a store sell those hats."

"Well, look at that. Those people still have a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker on their car. What a ticket that was. A traitor to the country and a shyster lawyer."

"My grandfather didn't gain weight until he was seventy. He's eighty now and has a gut. He and my grandma have this reoccurring joke where she tells him he needs to lose weight, and he just pats his gut and says, 'Why would I want to lose this? It took me ten years to get this.' Then they laugh and laugh. I guess anything's funny past eighty four."

"Sure were a lot of trannys out this weekend."

"He's like the kind of guy who's always violent around children."

"I'm done with music. Except for urban classical."

"The terrorists always hit the gay community first, then others later. It's a proven historical fact. That's why we need to focus on protecting gay people more than anyone else."
"Are you saying we shouldn't protect others?"
"Not at all. I'm saying we need to worry about gays above everyone else."

"It says here the Canadian Red Cross is moving to eliminate it's symbol from video games in order to curb violence."
"Video games?"
"You know, their symbol is used as the target for first-person shooter games."
"Maybe Switzerland should sue people that use the red cross, too."
"Why?"
"Their flag."
"Oh. Well I think Jesus should sue anyone using the cross."
"The Son of Man doesn't need a patent."
"Yeah, just a good lawyer."

"He didn't talk about anything professional, that's all. That whole thing about paying his daughter eighteen hundred dollars not to kiss a guy until she's sixteen, I mean, that's not only weird, but unprofessional."

"Each body is different. Nobody but your body can tell you if you should be different or lose weight. You'd feel bad if your body feels bad. Feeling bad would, hopefully, trigger a natural response to diet. The only way to maintain a healthy weight is to eat plenty of carrots."
"Huh?"

"Are you excited?"
"No."
"Well, you should be. You're a homeowner."

"What the fuck is this mother fuckin' shit? Hospital be lockin' people's cars up and shit without tellin' no one? What the fuck is this? Can't be lockin' up my mother fuckin' car. I'm hella pissed. This shit's got to be fuckin' takin' care of."
"Mommy, I'm hungry."
"Well you're going to have to be fuckin' hungry, baby. Mother fuckers lockin' the fuckin' car up. I'm hella pissed."

"If my girlfriend got a job in Germany, she'd move there in a heartbeat."
"Why, is she German? "
"No, she's from Bakersfield."

"You see the Super Bowl?"
"Yeah."
"You see the Rolling Stones?"
"That was them, really? I thought it was a cover band."

"There's no WalMart in San Francisco?"
"Nope."
"How can that be legal?"
"Well, I guess in the same vein it's legal for WalMart to hire illegal aliens."

"So wait, you just say skim latte?"
"Yes."
"Is there a flavor?"

"Stop. Driver! Stop! I've got to get out here."
"This isn't a stop."
"But I had a hernia operation Sunday. I can't walk all the way. Be a sport."

"You see, one of the Buddha's Four Noble Truths is that life is suffering."
"That's so negative."
"It's really not because one of the other truths is that suffering is caused by desire, and we can liberate ourselves from suffering by reducing our desires."
"But if suffering--"
"Hey, we're all suffering over here. Can you keep it down?"

"You see Bush's speech?"
"Yeah, he's making a good segue into fiction."