"Michael, where do you live again? The city?"
"Well, yes. I live in the city. Foster City."

"It's the Halloween women you gots to watch out for. They give you the trick and the treat."

"How do you like Kaiser?"
"I haven't used them yet. I just hated using Aetna. I need to get a check up."
"Check up? You'll do anything to get your balls touched."
"You don't have to make an appointment in this town to get your balls touched."

"Since they've removed part of my colon, I tell my wife I'm not as full of shit as I used to be."

"World Cup! World Cup!"
"Hey, who's playing?"
"Anheuser Busch, man. World Cup! World Cup!"

"Huh? No, I'm out walking the gals. Yeah, all three of them. They keep getting tangled up in the leashes, but Stella just took a big ol' poop so mission accomplished."

"What's your dog's name?"
"Kiro."
"Huh, what does that mean?"
"I don't know. It's what the place where we got him called him. Some people say it's Japanese or a mountain in Norway. But if you go to Yahoo! Answers it says something like, 'It's just a name: deal with it.'"

"Now that my dad's retired, his two favorite things are getting the mail and going to Costco."

"I don't know why there's so much concern over feminine hygiene. My girlfriends and I could tell you that testicles are the worst smelling things in the universe."