"Everyone's dressed like a bitch."

"What's your Halloween costume?"
"What'd you mean? I'm a technical writer. Boo!"

"Could that guy being any gay-er? Shit..."

"Above all else, this country invented the deal."

"You want to drive?"
"No, you fuckin' drive. Hey, is the fuckin' camera in there?"
"Yeah."
"Let me see that fuckin' thing. I want to get a fuckin' picture before we go."

"Why did we drive all the way out here on motorcycles? It's just sand. Shit, we could've stayed in San Bernardino if we wanted to see sand."
"Yeah, but not this sand."
"Sand is sand."

"Why's all the food you white people eat so boring?"

"Everyone at bars in the Mission is so tragically hip. So look at me with my ironic mullet."

"Yeah, they stole my bike again. Everyone's favorite game in the Mission is Fuck-Gentrification-Steal-A-White-Boy's-Bike."

"Excuse me, sir. I don't mean any disrespect, but I was next in line."
"Hey, don't give me any attitude, pal. We all got to be somewhere."

"It's not like someone uses a jack to put the sun up in the morning. There's this Thing called God, you know."

"This is a public service announcement! Hey, you, listen up! Don't eat the Twinkies, if you want the surprise inside!"

"Yo, Echo. The fuck's up?"
"Huh, man?"
"Was up?"
"Huh, man? Why you laughin'? Why you laughin'?"

"I told her she needs to watch how much she drinks, or she's going to pull all that stupid crap again, and she says, 'What's the big deal, it's only beer.'"

"That's the last time I volunteer to tutor at a high school. Some kid asked why he should go to college, and I said so that he could buy a car. He asked me what kind of car I have, and when I told him a Honda, he said then there's no point to going to school."

"Hey, do you think this picture of my dog is an inappropriate screen saver?"
"If you Photoshop out his balls, it's be fine."

"What's this poon-tang? I'm from Russia, you know. English is a second language."

"Excellence in safety begins here."

"What kind of dog is that?"
"He's actually half Italian greyhound, half deer."

"Dude, don't buy the cheap-ass toilet paper. Shell out an extra buck for the good stuff. Pay for the quality of your wipe."

"God, I'm so sick of talking about Jews and Arabs. Can we talk about blacks or Mexicans?"

"Hey, you can't talk about nuts at work. It's in the Employee Handbook."

"Last night I found out my house is zoned for commercial use. I'm going to open a bar in my backyard."

"Maybe the people making your burritos aren't wearing any underwear."

"What, they want me to pay the translators thirty cents a word for French? Tell them to learn English. French is a peasant language."

"My son's gotten so good at ping-pong that I can't stand playing him anymore. He beats me every single time, and he just goes on and on about it. I come home from work, and the first thing he does is humiliate me by telling me how good he is at ping-pong, and how bad I am at it. I got to find a way to ground him so we don't have play anymore."

"Sometimes when you sue crazy people, they go crazy."

"Hey, I don't like you. You're teeth stink."