"I have to iron all my shirts now because I let my husband do the laundry. He tries and tries, but it just never works out."
"At least he didn't fry the laundry."

"Remember, tell Danny you're sorry you stole his soccer ball. And don't get emotional today. I don't want the principal to call me before noon. Okay? Are you listening to me?"

"I'm Brian Boland. Everyone, I'm Brian Boland."
"That's great, thanks."
"Hey, I'm Brian Boland."

"A lot of techno sounds like farts."

"I the hot shit man. You hear me? Hot shit man."

"What the...fuckin' minivan. Wait, what's this shit, a bus? God damnit. Holy crap, get off my ass. What's this shit, a one way street? Look at this jackass. Riding a bike in the middle of the God damn street. That's a great fuckin' idea. How do people drive in this town?"
"Without you, peacefully."

"What'd you do this weekend?"
"Summer of Love in Golden Gate Park."
"Yeah, how was it?"
"Crappy."
"Music?"
"No, just a bunch of smelly old people getting high."