"Hot damn, salami is my Prozac."
"On the eighth day, God created prosciutto."

"Can you believe that brother is playing hockey?"
"Hockey?"
"Yeah, hockey."
"What the fuck's wrong with him?"
"I don't know."
"What's wrong with hoops?"
"I don't know."
"Is he seeing a doctor or something?"
"Man, that's cold."
"Not as cold as hockey."
"That's a good one, man. That's good."

"You see, now I have to see what books this gentleman has to trade. Since I'm helping you after six, I have to help him after six too. We don't trade books after six."
"Thank you. I appreciate your time."
"Let's see...okay, I can offer you twenty-seven bucks for the VHS tapes. I can't take any of your books. Nobody will read them."
"But I drove out here from Berkeley."
"I'm sorry."
"I've been coming here from years. From Berkeley."
"I understand."
"Fine, I'll take the cash. By the way, you're only paying me about a dollar for each tape. You know, I paid twenty to thirty dollars for each one of those."
"We can only sell them for a buck twenty-five. VHS is a dead medium. Everything has gone to DVD."
"Everything has gone all right."
"If you want to sell the tapes, I'll need to see some picture ID."
"Here you go. Just out of curiosity, why do I need to show some ID?"
"In order for us to do business, the San Francisco Police Department requires us to see ID when buying second-hand goods."
"They think people steal books?"
"I guess."
"People don't even read books."

"Get into the car!"
"Horsey."
"They'll be no horsey until you get into that car, young lady."

"Only eighty-seven emails left to go. I'm never going on vacation again."
"Oh, just delete them all. If something is important, the people will come looking for you."

"They don't grow key limes out here?"
"No, dear. They can only grow them in the Florida Keys. Hence, key limes."
"But they're just limes. Why can't they grow them anywhere?"
"The Keys have shells mashed into the sand. It helps the limes grow."
"Can't they just put shells into the sand here?"
"Honey, let's not get into this. We're on vacation."

"Those Scottish people...man, are they a tough bunch. You know the sun only shines one day a year over there. When I was in Glasgow, the sun came out, and all these white people--and I mean white--white as your napkin there, ripped their coats off and ran into the sun. They were burned to a crisp in fifteen minutes they're so white. One of them told me he burned his wee arm. Wee arm, what's that, I said. Apparently, your wee arm runs from your wrist to your elbow."

"They have a country and a culture. It's called China. They can speak Chinese there."

"No, she got it at Nipple Express. It was cheaper there."

"You know, I got her all kinds of training pamphlets, but she didn't even look at them. Instead, she sits around on her ass all day and watches TV."

"They're criminals. The whole Bush administration should be taken out back and shot."
"Dad, I know you don't really mean it. But isn't what you just said a federal crime?"
"No, no. That's if you say you're going to hurt the president. That's not what I said. I said the administration should be shot. That's totally different."

"Hey, y'all. I got the gift. That's right. Listen up, ladies. I got the gift. All you womens want me cuz I got it, and all you men want to be me cuz I got it. That's right. The gift. You hear me. The gift."
"We hear you."
"That's right. The gift. Ladies, listen up. The gift. Music. That's what it is. Music. I'm going to sing something for you y'all."
"Oh, Jesus Christ."
"The gift. Here we go."

"I'm a wookie. Wook, wook."

"You didn't have to black out and piss yourself. It wasn't like some adventure. It's just poker."
"I know, sorry."

"Ben and Jerry's is giving away free ice cream outside."
"Wow, really?"
"Yeah, but it's free ice cream and some hippy shit too. If you want the free ice cream, you got to take the hippy shit."
"What is it?"
"I don't know. Something stupid about the rain forests."

"In Europe, it's probably illegal not to take a vacation. In Germany, don't you have to fill out some government form if you work more than thirty five hours a week?"
"No."
"Oh."

"It was drizzling this morning so I took MUNI. Things were great until all the trains stopped. Some crazy guy in Embarcadero station."
"Shocking."
"Yeah, stopped all trains for fifteen minutes."

"Don't get a hot."
"I ain't ever late for a stop."
"Three hots gets you a day without pay."
"What, I thought that's if you drive right by a stop?"
"No, just if you're late."
"What about trucks or Caltrans?"
"Don't matter. Only your mama will care."

"Did you send that email to marketing? You sent that email to marketing. What's the matter with you? Are you high?"

"I don't think this is the right trail."
"Mom, it is."
"I don't see it on the map."
"Look, it's right there."
"Will you two stop arguing."
"We're not arguing. I'm teaching her how to read."
"Okay, calm down. Hey, ask these people."
"Is this the Panoramic Trail?"
"Yep, sure is."
"See, Mom. Now can we walk."
"You don't have to be testy. I just don't want to get lost."
"It's not like we're in the Amazon."

"Wow, I've never seen so many Gap stores in all my life. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a Baby Gap or a Gap Body. They only thing they're missing is a Fat Gap."

"That's what I told him. You tell him. Go, on tell him. No, you tell him. It's been played. You tell him. No, that's what I said. You tell him."

"Ah, shit. I'm having dinner with my parents."
"Oh, shit."
"It sucks."
"Yeah, it sucks."
"It doesn't really suck. It's just dinner."

"There's no way I'm going to stop drinking. I've partied too hard and too long."

"And these two girls are in the shower next to me, and they're all, 'Josh, Josh, come on in the water's hot.' I was like, dude, hell yeah."

"Oh, this is a great book here. Just wait until the oil runs out. It's going to be wild. You know, the reason we keep using oil is because we're so fat and lazy. Can't even walk a block to go to McDonald's. Have to drive, instead. Hell, I drive to McDonald's because I'm fat and lazy. I know it. I'm to blame too. But I can't stop driving to McDonald's. No way."

"Hi, I'm looking for a book called Nasty Pants."

"The only animal not on here is a zebra."
"Zebras don't meet the weight extension requirement."
"But we can't just use a llama. How boring is that?"

"You need to turn your pitty pot into a pussy pot and go get laid."

"Someone keeps kicking in the windows on John Kingsly's car in west Oakland."
"Huh?"
"John Kingsly's car. The windows keep getting kicked in. In west Oakland."
"Again, Jesus."

"I'm in burger mode. Burger. Mode."

"And what about the sodomy?"
"No, that's when I decided to quit the whole thing."