"Is that what Daddy stepped in?"
"No, honey. Daddy stepped in throw up. Remember?"

"No, I'm a small Chinese woman, and he's a big white man with red hair."

"Ah, bacon! I love bacon."
"You've been looking like you do."
"Come on, honey. We're on vacation."

"Happy gay Halloween!"

"Hey, what are you up to tonight?"
"I don't know. Drink a bunch of coffee and watch RoboCop."

"Fucking white cat hair all over my ass."

"No, look closely. It's not just the gay colors. It's a map of America. See, all the states?"
"Ooooh. That's soooo beautiful."

"So you don't know the people you're commuting with?"
"No, Casual Carpool doesn't allow it. You're not supposed to talk to each other."
"What, how is that enforced?"
"Well, once I was in this guy's car, going over the bridge, and I was small-talking, and they guy says, You can't talk. It's the rules."

"He was ranked the most attractive straight hair-dresser in San Francisco. Now, no one can get an appointment."
"No, has to be gay. Has to."

"I can't eat lunch with them anymore. They're talking about the physics of light-sabers."
"What?"
"Yeah, like if you dropped a light-saber in the ground, would it cut straight through the Earth."
"Well that's stupid. As the light-saber gets closer to the Earth's core, it would generate steam, which would prevent it from moving."
"Are you kidding me?"
"Haven't you heard of the China syndrome?"
"You know, I'm just going to eat outside."

"People. Hello. I don't mean to bother you. But can you spare some change? Please? Anyone? How about fifty cents? No? Okay, how about forty cents? Anyone? Come on. Don't be so cheap. Come on. This sucks."

"So, if I were to come to work on Halloween, dressed as an obese black woman, on which grounds would I be fired first?"

"God, I've spent more money on TP this year..."

"I think I still have some makeup left over from my vampire phase."

"What's all that noise? Sounds like a helicopter."
"Yeah, I think a couple have been flying around out there."
"Is something going on?"
"I'll check the Internet. Maybe there's something on the bridge. No, it says here a woman threw her two kids into The Bay off of Pier 7. The Coast Guard and Police are looking for the bodies."
"Wonderful. I'm going home now."

"That's not just gay. That's crazy gay."

"Our cat's psycho. I would've put her down years ago, but she came with the man. Love the husband, hate the cat."

"The cops! Ha! Bring those fuckers on."
"My old lady. Always gettin' us into trouble..."
"Shut your mouth. Give me the bottle."

"Hey, where did your Grandma go?"
"I think to change."
"She just changed."
"I know."
"Everytime we're late for dinner reservations, she does this."

"How do you like the onion rings?"
"They're okay. Funny, I don't remember onion rings being very Greek. This is the last time we come to this restaurant."

"Now, remember to get your mother to sign these papers. She should make a copy, too. We don't need them back immediately. Well, unless I kick the bucket tomorrow. Then she should get them to the lawyer pretty fast."

"The guy down the hall served with Patton. Said that actor, oh, what's his name? Come on."
"Who?"
"Patton. Who was the guy that played Patton in that movie?"
"Patches?"
"No, Patton. Who was the--"
"George C. Scott."
"That was the fella. Guy down the hall said he got it down perfect. Couldn't even tell he was an actor. Said the men would've done anything for him. We sure could use a few Pattons now. Nobody wants to fight to win wars anymore."

"During World War II, did you experience any discrimination because you were German? Like did anyone call you Jerry or something?"
"What? Heaven's no. Half the U.S. was German then. Ever hear of Eisenhower?"

"What?! You call Casper. Tell him Daddy's coming home to kick his ass."

"You should really think about a therapist. You two really need to talk. Well, if his only way of telling you what's on his mind is by coming home drunk, then you need to work things out. Well, even if he's drunk he's trying to communicate the best way he knows how. It doesn't matter that he's forty."

"Did you hear about this Smurf thing in Belgium?"
"What Smurf thing?"
"It's some kind of anti-war protest."

"Ah, dude. Look. He's going to crash--"
"Awesome--"
"He's going to crash--"
"Cool--"
"Ah, man. He didn't crash."
"This sucks."

"It's a movie called The Gauntlet. It's pretty cool."
"Is it like the video game?"
"No, it's a cop movie. With a bus."

"No, I don't want to put the cat on any more medication. She can barely handle what she's on now."

"The survey question was Who should we invade next? The answers were hilarious."
"Did any of them say the White House?"

"Man, my computer just took a big dump."

"Whose cell phone is that? And can they be killed?"
"I kind of like the ring tone. It makes me want to dance the lambada."

"You need makeup. You're going to have to wear some. Don't leave until I get there, okay? I'll bring you some. You can barrow some of mine."

"This is a hard place to live."
"I agree."
"And I'm not a hard person."

"I mean, he just beat the shit out of the homeless guy--"
"Guy shouldn't have spit on him."

"I haven't had beer in a long time. At least since this morning."

"Being a junkie or an alcoholic has it's right time and place."

"Is that guy knitting?"
"You gotta love this town."
"Is he knitting a sock?"
"It think it's a stuffed animal. Like a sock monkey."

"We totally thought these cops were going to bust us for smoking a bowl, but it turns out they were just some faggots dressed like cops, standing outside of some weird fetish bar."