"Hey, a dance at Saint Phillips."
"The under twelve crowd, Harry. Right up your alley."
"No, I left my New Kids on The Block at home tonight."
"Harry, that was a decade ago. It's Britney Spears now."
"I don't even know who that is."
"It's good being forty."
"Thirty-eight."

"I mean, Nancy or Sarah could've at least emailed me by now. I've been in this city for two months, and they haven't even emailed me. I mean, we used to party every weekend. Doesn't that mean something?"
"Hell, yeah."
"I mean, just email. How hard is that? They don't even work."

"And an oatmeal cookie too, please."
"Sir, I wish we had opium cookies, but the state of California..."
"Oatmeal cookie. Oatmeal."
"My bad."

"It's election time, know what I'm saying? Time to get the shits we need."

"Clayton's really into Mr. Potato Head."
"You know, we have two Mr. Potato Heads at my house, but only the potatoes. We don't know where the arms and legs went."
"That's tragic."

"Hey, I just got a call from Gavin Newsom. Anyone want his cell phone number? He tried calling the CEO."

"They don't want food that has any spices. That cuts out Asian, Indian, Mexican, even Italian. All that's left is steak."
"Or mud."

"Is that green stuff over there, or am I trippin'?"
"Looks sort of blue."

"It says your bill is fifty days past due."
"Jesus, Tony..."
"No, man. I paid that thing. I paid it last week. Go call somebody. It's not my fault."

"Like your button."
"My belt buckle? What does that mean? You got some funny ideas, young man."
"Your Kerry button. I appreciate it."
"You stay away from Kerry, hear me?"

"Come on, that's not a bomb. It's a coffee cup. I can see it from here."
"Sir, please step back."
"What, is the coffee too hot? Come on, I'm late for a meeting."

"Damnit, I'm tired of this elevator. Look, I've pressed the button three--four times--and the doors won't close. How many minutes have been robbed from our lives because of slow elevators?"

"Do you know where in Germany your family came from?"
"Well, my father would've been the one to talk to about that. I thought about asking him plenty of times, but I just never got around to it. Unfortunately, he died of a massive heart attack, even though he was healthy as a horse."

"That's why I can't get a doggy door."
"Because of raccoons?"
"Exactly. They'll come right in and kill everything. Even the furniture."
"How about if you..."
"No, the county won't allow it. Unless I get one of those thousand dollar computer collars that magically unlock the doggy door. There's no negotiating with the government."

"Come on, Patches. Come on. No, I don't think you need that muddy string. Diarrhea for doggy tummies."

"And if you look here, this is how much money you'll need to retire at your current income level."
"That's depressing..."

"And, two hundred dollars for a bottle of wine."
"What, for something that will turn to pee in ten minutes?"

"Six years old, right, and they got him drinking two cups of coffee a day."

"WHAT did you say?"
"Nothing."
"What did you call that kid?"
"Nothing."
"A swear word?"
"No, butt nugget."
"No more butt nugget, you got that?"
"Yeah."

"When looking for the conference room, I found a kitchen I never knew the company had."
"What floor?"
"Fourth."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but the room was locked. Through the window..."
"What did you see?"
"Jerky. Maybe some yogurt."
"There's got to be a way in there."

"When he was born, we said, 'Do you want to touch your brother? You won't break him.' And he said, 'No, I want to play.' So, we let him play."

"Smile, brother, smile. You make somebody feel good."

"I hated that job. They found out I applied to law school, so they let me go."
"Is that legal?"
"I don't know, but when I find out, they're toast."

"My Mom never let us say, 'shit.' We had to say, 'the brown word' or our mouths got washed out with soap."

"Hey, Andrew, I'm getting a food high over here."
"Hell, then I better drive."

"Watch my cane, asshole. I'm blind."
"Sorry."
"You'd like to be blind? Get back here. I kick ass."

"Hey, is he gay or European?"

"They laugh like, 'ha-ha-ha.'"
"No, like, 'ho-ha-ha.'"
"Listen to them. 'ha-ha-ha.'"
"Stupid, it's, 'ho-ha-ha.'"
"You're stupid."

"You! White boy! Ignorant! That's right!"

"He lost the sale and said, 'I didn't have the right PowerPoint.' There's only one PowerPoint. I said, 'So, what PowerPoint did you use?' He says, 'I don't know.' How can you get paid a six-figure salary, make a presentation, and not know what the hell you presented to a prospective client."
"Jesus..."
"We could use him in sales."

"Feeling better?"
"Sure, now that I got my chemo-to-go. See my fanny pack?"
"It's pretty big."
"It's chemo. The bag is connected to my heart. See this wire?"

"Superman ain't dead. I saw the fucker walking past 17th last night. He done resurrected-ed himself. Ain't never no wheelchair, either. He just broke and needed money."

"There's no Nebraska Furniture Center in San Francisco. It would be called San Francisco Furniture Center, you dummy."

"I don't care what Pammy be saying. She just need to do her job. She don't know nothing about my job. There's no room for her to be talking. I don't talk about her job. No reason for her to be talking about my job. She talk about your job?"
"No."
"Then she shouldn't be talking about my job."

"Was Bali mellow?"
"No. Think of every Indonesian as a badass. Every local is a badass. We're all a bunch of pussies compared to them."

"It was like he was scrapping gum off the bottom of his foot at 80MPH. I thought for sure I was going to watch his leg break right off."
"You know, the first thing they teach you in motorcycle training class is not to stick your foot out."

"Don't drag your leg."
"I'm not dragging my leg. I'm sliding it."
"Please don't slide your leg. Don't put your weight on it."
"That's why I'm sliding it. I'm not stupid, you know."
"Nobody said you were stupid."
"I know how you doctors are."

"Okay, let's here it for Team Beagle. Team Beagle, come on down! Next, we have Pets Unlimited. Pets Unlimited, please parade your dogs! And next, everyone's favorite, Team Boner. Team Boner, come on up!"

"Oh, yeah. These are the ones. These feel great."
"Don't you already have a pair of those, hun?"
"Yeah, but Mom sent me that birthday money."

"Hey, do you live here?"
"Yeah."
"How do you get to the freeway?"
"Which freeway?"
"I just want to get out of here."
"Make a left and go about five blocks. Turn right on Van Ness, and that will take you to the 101 and the 80."
"Thanks, man. This place sucks."

"This place is great. Last Saturday, I saw two accidents in less than an hour."
"Come on, it doesn't look that crazy."
"Just sit and watch. Sit and watch."
"Did anyone get hurt?"
"Nobody died or anything. They were just fender-benders. What's cool is that the drug dealers get pissed because the cops show up, and they have to go down the street for twenty-minutes. The dealers always yell at the drivers before the drivers can yell at each other."

"Back in the day, man, I used to make fuckin' bank."
"Me too, bro."
"It's not fair, you know?"
"Sucks big time."

"Don't touch that."
"How come?"
"Just don't touch it."
"I'm not breaking it."
"I said don't tough it, okay?"
"Okay."

"What are you, the walking poet?"
"Yes, I am."
"Because no one wants to hear your stupid crap, so you have to walk away?"

"What terminal are you arriving at? Just relax. Take a deep breath, Mommy. Are you there? Okay, maybe you need to put your feet up and take another deep breath. Okay, what is the flight's confirmation number? Are you mad? Why are you mad, Mommy? Another deep breath, please. Meet me at the baggage terminal at ground level. Yes, on the ground. The first story of the building. Okay? What is the confirmation number? Mommy, I'll be there. There's no need to worry. The airport is only twenty-minutes from me. Listen, I'll make it up to you."

"What was that?"
"My parents have these friends that have been married for thirty-four years, and the husband left his wife. He sent her an email at work saying he had to her leave because he realized he was gay."
"How could he live in this city for three decades and just realize he was gay?"
"His wife is very controlling. She talks him out of a lot of decisions, and, personally, I think this was the only way he could figure out how to leave her."

"He's the Jesus Christ of pigeons, I'm telling you."
"No way. Pigeons are, like, Old Testament."
"His coming was prophesized there."
"Shit, you got me."

"Don't blame BART for the verification of your parties."

"This is so true. Men exert their anger through their penises."
"That is not true. Would you put the book down, please."
"You never like to talk about this kind of thing."
"Honey, not here. If you want the book, put it in the cart."
"Why not here? Nobody's listening. Besides, what makes you so uncomfortable about the subject?"
"It's not the subject. It's the place."
"There's never a good enough place for you."
"Fine. What's the author's proof? How does he support that ridiculous theory?"
"I don't know. I haven't read the book yet."

"Windows?"
"No, I just washed her."
"The back?"
"Yeah, I washed that too."
"Get you anything. Want a mountain bike?"
"No, thanks"
"I turned this town out. Ran this fucking place. Want a TV?"
"No, I got one."

"Free condoms. Right here."
"Give me some of those. I can never have enough."

"Frederick, look at that cutie over there. Look at his shirt."
"Keepin' it gay."
"Boy, is he. But not as much as we are. Nobody celebrates being gay like we do. We keep it gay-er."

"What is it you kids do now? You don't date. What is it, hang out?"
"You're so hip, Jerry... It's hook up."
"Hell, I don't care. I'm just going to go home tonight to my kids and Netflix."

"She asked you? She's interested."
"I agree. If she asked you, she's definitely interested."
"You should try to get some rar-rar action going tonight."

"That reminds me, Lilly. Can you please call Dean Jackson on his cell phone and tell him I'm sorry I missed him. He came up to me downstairs the other day, and I had no idea who he was. The day before, he showed up and couldn't get past security because the guy working the desk was deaf."